The Sexual Awakening of a 30-something Wife

"I just don’t think you have it in you."

2006-11-01T13:26:00.000-08:00

That's what I told my husband. Because of the problems we've had over the past year, I had done a lot of thinking about our marriage and compatibility. Sometimes I wonder why we are still together. When my husband is angry, he tells me that I am inflexible, boring, controlling, and additionally I am a lax parent who won't let him have a say. Whether these things are true or not (I can only give my account of things), it does make me wonder how he can claim to be so in love with me when he's not angry, and how he can possibly think that I am the nicest, most unselfish person he knows.

So, one evening I brought the subject of our compatibility up, and he reiterated his love for me. He pointed out that when it comes to politics, religion, and financial philosophy, we are very compatible, and he mentioned that we are very sexually compatible. I told him that although we do have a good sex, I just didn’t think we were 100% compatible in that area because he really isn't that dominant with me. I told him that I didn’t think he had it in him.

I genuinely had been thinking about this because he just doesn't take control, even in small ways. Whenever he wants something, it's more like, "Can you please give me a blowjob tonight?" as he looks at me with puppy-dog eyes. He never pins my arms down while kissing me or fucking me. He's too sweet in the sack; not that sweet isn't wonderful sometimes, but sometimes I just want him to *make* me submit so he can have his way with me.

My husband thinks fairly highly of his sexual prowess (he is good at giving me Os), and he took this as a challenge. Before long, I was on my back, naked, and tied to his weight-lifting bench with my ass just hanging off the end. My legs were spread apart and pulled back over my body, and my wrists and ankles were secured to the weight bar. I was already wet when he ran his fingers along my pussy lips.
We have a beginner bondage kit, and he used the flogger that came with it on my ass and pussy. I couldn't help but let my mind forget everything except the thuds and stings on my ass. He asked if he was hurting me, and I told him no; I would make sure he knew if he went too far. Then he put a just a little more strength in his flogging, and I felt twinges of pain and pleasure. He stopped flogging me and moved his attention to my spread pussy, his tongue teasing my clit and then plunging inside. Then his tongue began circular movements around my clit until I was begging him to let me come. A minute later I felt a cold, hard dildo pressing deep inside my pussy. I wanted to cry as he took his tongue away, but I also loved the feeling of fullness deep inside of me. He fucked me with the dildo and then he told me he was going to own my ass. Leaving the dildo hanging inside, he slowly pressed his cock into my ass, and then he took his pleasure in me. He told me over and over that my tight ass was his to fuck. The feeling of being penetrated in both my cunt and ass was amazing. Every movement of either his cock or the dildo hit sensitive spots, and the tingly sensations were unending until finally I orgasmed. His release came soon after, and as his cock pulsed, I felt so sexually satisfied and totally filled.

I loved the flogging just as much as I fantasized I would. I loved being taken. I loved him plundering my pussy with the dildo. I loved him taking my ass. I loved the double penetration.

After, we lay in bed and cuddled. I told him it was the best sexual experience I've ever had. He smiled and said that when it came to sex, there was no problem with him being dominant.

The crazy thing is, I still wonder if he has it in him. He definitely can do a role-play day, but I'm not sure he can carry the sexual dominance over into our day-to-day sex. While I realize we don't always have time for full-on bondage and spanking, I do wish for the occasional symbols of control and dominance, such as pinning me down or forcing my legs apart...

And he still says please. A lot. At least my ass gets fucked more regularly now.

Boobie Thon pictures

2006-10-04T23:53:00.000-07:00

Want to see breasts and feel like you're supporting a good cause at the same time? The 5th Annual Blogger Boobie-Thon is letting the breasts out to raise money for the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. Yes, I'm going to have naked breast pictures posted on the web. To see most of them, you'll have to donate $50 or more to get access to the "pay-per-boobies" naked section of the site. There is one photo of my breasts available in the main section; it has coverage of the most pertinent parts.

I can forgive but I can't quite forget...

2006-09-29T16:51:00.000-07:00

My husband actually objected to the idea of needing to woo me all over again! You see, I made him feel guilty and he didn't like it. He tends to get defensive/stubborn/angry if you make him feel guilty. It's been a problem before for us. Lest you think he is always an oafish and selfish creature (as lately I know I’ve depicted him, what with the boob fetish and now this), this rather unappealing aspect only tends to come out when we've been having some type of marital problem, and it's not something that I have ever seen him exhibit outside of our marriage. I think it's his unproductive response to marital stress or anything that can be construed as criticism from me. It's probably some leftover psychological gooey from having his mother & aunts pick at him all the time when he was a little kid (his father was away at sea most of the time).

Finally, I got him to see how rejected he had made me feel. Finally, I think he felt some sympathy for me and real regret, as in actually thinking what he did was wrong, not just that I was overreacting. I *do* think I didn't handle it well, but a boob job should never be an ultimatum. Having this issue come up in our marriage also made me realize that in some ways I'm too laid back (but not in the sexual yummy way). I've grown too tolerant because I don't assert my needs enough outside of the bedroom. For example, I let him get away with having too much of a temper (no violence-just very nasty body language and cutting remarks that only a loved one can give); I cry instead of call him out on it.

So, we are trying to make a go of it, but this time around a few things are different. I still love and crave sex; that hasn't changed, but there is just a tiny bit of spark missing with my marriage. Just over a year ago, I wrote a post about how wonderful it was to embark upon my sexual exploration with my husband, but I can't say the same thing right now. I think the trust and confidence I had for him isn't quite there. Maybe time will bring it back, but it's hard to forget that less than a year ago he threatened divorce because of B-cup breasts.

I really want to explore my kinky side, but I do feel a bit more more hesitant with my husband than before. Even so, my mind and body want it so badly that I do manage to overcome this feeling, at least for the moment. So, in this interim period, I've still had some wonderful sex. The best was when I *unintentionally* challenged my husband to dominate me; I'll post about that soon!

I wanna be fucked

2006-06-20T14:02:00.000-07:00

I am very moist, and my pussy lips are slightly swollen from need. I part my legs and slide my finger over my clit, and I can feel little swirls of pleasure shoot out from my clit to all over my body... my toes curl... my nipples harden; I need to grab on to something. I lick my finger, imagining how turned on you are by the sight. I play with myself some more, spreading my legs even farther apart so you can watch. I want to feel you touching me inside. I want to lick your fingers after they have fucked me. My pussy craves your cock inside. I want to be filled, penetrated deeply. I want it slow and tender, and then, fast and rough. I want to taste my wetness on your cock after it has invaded me. I want you to fuck my ass, control me, and dominate me. I am your sex slave. Fuck me. Please.

Surviving for now...

2006-04-13T18:23:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in an earlier post, the libido is back and I really want great sex again, all the time! My little online flirtation made me realize that I don't even feel much loyalty to my husband anymore, which I guess was a bit of a surprise to me. I really didn't realize how I felt; normally, I am a very loyal person.

I guess I can survive on some good fantasies for a while. I don't really want to do anything to hurt him; I am not a vindictive person, but I can't deny my longing for something different. I want someone who is excited by me sexually. I want someone who thinks my fantasies are hot, and I am not always sure he does. I do try -on purpose- to imagine someone else other than my husband. Sometimes I am very successful and have great fantasy sex, but there are still times when my husband still creeps up in there anyway. We've been together for 10 years now, and there is still an attachment that can't be denied. He asked what he can do to make me feel better about things, and I told him to woo me all over again. I really don't know what else to do.

The thing is, I know that if I were to jump ship, it wouldn't solve my issues. In the past I have always been a very loyal person, and I am not used to feelings of disloyalty. I find it very uncomfortable. I am glad there isn't a convenient opportunity to act out on my feelings because I don't trust myself right now, even though I do know that I need more than just sex. I want the emotional connection as well, and that isn't something one easily finds. Hopefully, over time we can repair our relationship.

Is it really all about the breast?

2006-04-04T21:05:00.000-07:00

I actually believe that it was. Really.

I also wondered what else was the problem; surely this really couldn't be about breasts. What else would he be dissatisfied with later if appearance was so important to him? He insisted that the other appearance things didn't matter; getting old & wrinkled & fat wouldn't matter. It was me that he loved and married. This was about his desires for large breasts to hold and play with, not any of my annoying traits.

He was still rather hard-headed about it's boobs or else for a couple of days. I guess he realized how distressed I was, and he softened slightly. It didn't necessarily have to end in divorce. Then, he was all mushy with me. Lovey lovey. You see, he unloaded his big secret, and he told me he never felt closer to me. Once I said I would explore the option, he was happy as can be; he could have me and his fetish rolled together in one package. Later, he finally relented even more, saying that if it really distressed me so, I didn't have to get a boob job. He shouldn't have made it an "or else" thing. He later promised never ever to threaten our marriage again, no matter how riled his temper may get. As he explained it to me, it was something that was always very important to him, and he loved me so that he married me anyway. Keeping his fetish inside had really bothered him. Once he let it out, he felt like it didn't have to necessarily control his life.

OK, maybe. Except shortly after, he subscribed to the Playboy channel, and started recording episodes of some show called "totally busted" & the like. I still felt like this was very important to him.

Fast Forward

2006-03-29T13:01:00.000-08:00

I am going to fast forward a bit before I continue on with what happened.

Right now I am in a place that I had never imagined before. For the first time in our marriage, I am the one questioning whether we should stay together. I keep trying to remember that we share many good things together. We agree on religion (or lack thereof) and on most political issues, and we have a good time together whether it be shopping or just hanging out around the house. We have my lovely 3-yr old girl together.

But I am still very hurt. I haven't moved on yet.

Something happened recently that really made me realize this. I play an online game with some real-life friends, and in the normal course of gameplay, you get to be acquainted with other players as well. One of these acquaintances in the game started flirting with my game character a little bit. Harmless flirting really, but I have never really engaged in any type of flirtation since I have been married. He asked for my real-life eye color. Harmless enough. After a few other exchanges, I commented on how nosy he was, eliciting his joking response, "bra size?" Then he quickly typed that he was just kidding! He didn't care anyway; that wasn't his thing..

Later it made me cry. Why did my man have to be a boob man? There are really guys out there who like... other things. I don't know if my rear or legs are particularly pleasing, but maybe I would be just the thing for someone. I want the person I am with to think I am hot! I guess I am more hot now for my husband (yes, but please don't be judging, OK), but it feels like it's too late.

Why did I want to flirt with someone in a game? I never had any desire for this... It just made me realize how unhappy I am right now in our marriage. If we didn't have a kid, I don't know if I would stay. For the first time in our marriage, I am the one feeling tempted.

My husband knows how hurt I am. He has apologized many times and tries to tell me how much he loves me and how pretty he thinks I am and how special he thinks I am and.... it feels empty to me.

I am still hurt.

We have had some pleasurable sex recently, but I don't feel the same bond. Instead I just concentrate on feeling the pleasure of the moment. My libido has returned in full force, and I guess I am a bit unsatisfied, making me crave something else. My most recent sexual fantasies don't include my husband but some attractive made-up man doing wild & crazy things to my body...

Well, in the least, I am now writing about what happened. I am sure it is good for me to get it all out.

And I still have yet to feel a flogger on my ass...

Distraught

2006-03-29T10:40:00.000-08:00

I, like many smaller women, wouldn't have minded if nature had been a teensy bit more generous. Even so, out of all the hang-ups that I have, worrying about my breasts was not top on my list. I didn't feel sexy-confident all the time, and my modest breast size may have contributed to that somewhat, but in my few sexual experiences, no one really reacted in a negative manner about my breasts. I was fortunate that age, pregnancy, and breast-feeding had been kind to my breasts.

I mentioned once before that I had caught my husband doing a porn search for big breasts, but I believed his answer at the time; it was just something to search for when looking for pornographic images of women. I just didn't see this coming, but maybe I should have.

How big did he like them? He thinks Pamela Anderson's big ole boobies are hot. Ick. I think they look ridiculous, but obviously she's popular with many men for a reason, and I don't seem to have any lesbian tendencies at all, so it's probably hard for me to judge. I have read many comments on blogs & such about how many men want *real* breasts, not fake plastic ones, but strippers & porn stars generally go big for a reason. More men want big than not. I guess my husband is one of those. He said he doesn't even mind a little sag. Geez, I thought I had that at least going for me; small but perky.

He said he felt distant to me lately because he was hiding his feelings from me. He had struggled with this for a while, but keeping his his boob fetish from me was making him less content with our marriage. He doubted his ability to stay true to me for the long term. He thought about getting a divorce and not telling me the real reason so as not to hurt me. He said he felt ashamed for letting this matter so much to him.

If I went through with it, I could keep my marriage together. My daughter would have both a father and a mother. And, in general, despite my husband's recent distance from me, he was trying to be a good father, trying to work on his patience when dealing with our 2 yr old. Most importantly, I still loved him. But now he had hurt me more than he ever had before.

I was devastated. This was so different than trying to modify some bad or annoying habit. This was how I was born. I hadn't overcome those blues, yet, either, and this was just like a hurricane on my already soggy mind. I looked at my naked breasts in the mirror and was so sad. I felt so inadequate and unsexy. I don't know if I ever have the appropriate confidence and self-esteem to deal with something like this, but the timing was especially bad for me. I have always struggled with the feeling that I am very ugly, and then I am even ashamed of the struggle because looks shouldn't really matter anyway. It's difficult for me to believe people when they say I am cute or pretty... and now....

Going through with it though had a lot of repercussions. When my daughter gets older, what will she think? If she is also fated to have smaller breasts, will she feel like it is something that needs to be fixed? Would I just be conforming into what society thinks women should look like? I kind of felt like he wanted me to look like a porn star. I could just imagine myself at a science conference giving a research talk with gigantic misshapen boobies....

When I read over information on breast augmentation, almost always there was the mention that women did it for themselves, and the vast majority of women were happy with their decision. But wasn't it wrong to do something like this for someone else?

This brought back old feelings of not being loved for me - of being loved only if I do something for it. When I was a little girl, my mom seemed to only give me positive attention when I cleaned up something well. My stepfather gave me positive attention and affection when I performed sexual acts for him. I didn't deserve love, but instead love always seemed to require payment. I desperately desired to be loved - unconditionally. I thought I was going to be able to get that from my husband.

I felt like I had to choose between sacrificing myself or allowing my daughter to have a two-parent home. I am afraid of divorce, not so much for me but for my daughter. Rationally, I know divorce won't make me like my mother, and it doesn't have to screw up my daughter's life, but I watched my mother's divorces and custody battles; it's really scary to me.

I talked with a friend, and she thought my husband was a jerk, but she did know that some men really had sexual obsessions. The idea of plastic surgery is no big deal to her; she told me one day she would like a lift! That's SoCal for you (there are a suspicious number of really skinny women here who have quite the rack). But, she was also concerned about me not being happy with it if I didn't really want it. I also talked with my mother, although I don't know why I bothered. Sometimes I forget to not have any expectations of her. She commiserated with me for a moment on my husband's behavior, and then was so excited for me to get implants.

The thing is - well, sure I would like some endowment. I miss the size of my milk-engorged breasts. They were really nice, and because I breastfed my baby for 2 years, I got to keep them for a while. I just never ever ever considered changing my breasts with surgery. I have on occasion even mentioned that I missed those breasts, so I guess he thought that I wouldn't react so horribly to the idea of a a boob job.

With a heavy heart, I read tons of information on breast augmentation, implants, risks, etc. I looked at pictures of before and afters (which annoyingly although predictably made my husband horny). I was trying to keep an open mind about them. If my husband had not brought this up, would I have ever thought about this?

We clearly differed on the ideal size of breasts. Would he be happy if I only got something that could still pass for natural, no bigger than a C or maybe D? What will he think when I get older and more wrinkled? What if I get fat? Would he expect other changes later? Will he find a new reason to be unhappy with me? He assured me this was the only thing he was keeping from me, and that those other things really didn't matter as much to him. Although he loves the giant breasts, he said he would still be happy with the C+/D range; he just wants breasts to fill his hands...

There are a lot of bad boob jobs out there, but since I live in the land of plastic, there are quite a few good plastic surgeons around. Many emphasize that they try to achieve natural looking results (and some won't even put in the big implants, sticking mostly to C & D size augmentations). There are even new, more natural feeling silicone implants that don't leak the way old ones could, and they don't deflate like the saline ones seem prone to do. Even so, getting implants is surgery, and the recovery is described as fairly painful.

BTW - I am not going into the debate of whether silicone causes auto-immune problems here. Although I would not rule out some very rare connection, I think the scare of the past was way overblown, at least when you look at the actual research. If you have strong feelings about this please let that debate go on in another forum.

I made an appointment with a plastic surgeon for a consultation. Husband was delighted. He told me that he loved me even more for checking into this for him. He said he felt so much closer to me now since he was no longer hiding anything from me. He was so sorry that this hurt me. He was all lovey-dovey. I was not. He wanted sex. I wanted to cover up and never be naked with him again.

Again, to be continued... This all happened some months ago, and I could not write about it at the time...

A little bomb exploded

2006-03-28T13:11:00.000-08:00

So much has happened since my last post. On the bright side, I had a few stubborn pounds that I needed to shed, and they finally seemed to just go away. I also have a great haircut right now. It's hard for me to feel beautiful; when I was a teen I used to feel like the ugliest girl around, but I do actually get a lot of complements on it, so I know it must look pretty nice.

On the not so bright side...

My husband's distance/preoccupation continued for a while, which discouraged me from continuing my sexual exploration a bit. It was the emotional connection that really allowed me to loosen up, and it felt, well... lost. It was also very discouraging to me for this to occur such a short time after I had really opened up to him. He didn't even seem to want sex as often anymore. Where was my husband who used to want it every 5 mins?

Subsequently, I sank a bit back into the blues again. I know from a statistical standpoint that people who have similar life experiences to mine have an increased rate of depression/anxiety/etc, but I also know that it's possible to not have problems. I did not want to have problems. I didn't want the past to have any hold over me.

I sought treatment. I finally faced the fact that I did need some help, and I didn't want to be miserable.

Then, my husband hit me with a bombshell.

My husband was mad at me. I don't even remember exactly what made him mad, except that I pushed one of his hot buttons with something I said or did. I apologized for whatever, but he was tired of having to deal with me. He wasn't even attracted to me anymore. He was doubting whether he should stay in our marriage; he said if he had to do it all over, he would NOT marry me again. His main reason for his loss of attraction to me: I lacked voluptuous breasts - my 34B wasn't really a handful. He told me that even his friends were surprised when he married me because they all knew about his breast obsession.

Was he willing to throw away all the good things we had together because of boobs? What about our family? What about our daughter? Because of my mother's many marriages and divorces, going through a divorce myself seemed like an anathema to me.

At the end of a tearful night for me, he said I could get a boob job, or he didn't know if he could remain in our marriage.

To be continued...

Blogger interrupted

2005-06-17T09:51:00.000-07:00

I've probably started to post at least a dozen times over the past few weeks, and as soon as I get some personal time to open my laptop and login into blogger, something seems to come up.

We've had tons of house guests, a marathon (hubby did well!) , a remodeling project that won't quite get finished, and hectic work schedules. Unfortunately it has taken a toll on our recently revived sex life. It's temporary; I'm determined not to let life get completely in the way as it did before, but still, the frequency of sex has decreased in Tieme-n-spankme's house, and hubby & I have been settling for quickie sex when we do get around to doing the deed.

Stress is our main problem. Sex is a wonderful stress reliever, but it doesn't work out that way when we are irritated with each other. I'm approaching one of the biggest milestones of my career, but I'm doing it at a part-time pace even though it really demands grueling hours. I need to be super-productive, but I'm also the ultimate procrastinator, so I'm constantly in internal conflict. I have a family and a 2-year old who needs my attention, and I don't want to sacrifice family needs for my career. I'm in a juggling act right now with one more ball than I can really handle. Hubby also has a looming deadline; he's been in charge of a project that is finally coming to fruition. The stress we are both under has made us easily annoyed and more tired than usual. We've argued more than normal lately, and it's mostly because we are more sensitive about everything and a bit less rational about dealing with each other. Tolerance for peccadilloes has decreased on both our parts.

Stress has a real dampening effect on my libido. After we've made up, sometimes I'm still not in the mood. Sometimes I feel too emotionally drained, and I just crave a hug. Sometimes, my body is in the mood but my mind reigns supreme over my sexual desire.

Our connection has not been as strong lately, either. Hubby has been a bit more preoccupied than usual, and for me at least, it's the emotional connection that we share that makes me want to be sexually open and explorative. I know that I need to reach out more when he is more distant, but it's hard to do. Knowing and doing are two different things, and my tendency is to withdraw rather than reach out. At least I know that about myself, and I can try to address it.

His deadline is next week, and I know that we will both feel a lot less pressure when his big project is done. So, although this seems like a bleak, unexciting, non-sexy post, it's actually one of hope. We're just weathering a rough patch, but we will get back in order, soon. He's going to take off a day or two once his project is launched and running, and that will give us some time to have a daytime date together - a picnic at the beach, and hopefully some sensuous sex.

Maybe we'll even pick out a flogger for me. Hubby definitely wants to satisfy my curiosity on that one:) Mostly though, I need to spend some time stimulating my mind. It needs it!

****
Thanks for the nice comments asking if things were OK; it's always nice to be missed. I also noticed that I've been "tagged" - I'll have to get back to that one!

Finding my sexual self... with my husband

2005-05-03T14:59:00.000-07:00

I love my husband. I am so glad that I am married to someone that I want to share my sexual exploration with. Sometimes I feel a bit unsure of how to introduce certain kinks into our sex life, but I want to be kinky with him. I love him, and opening up to him has made me feel even closer.

Before the sexual light-bulb went off in my head, I had recently noticed a renewed sense of commitment from my husband. We have had some tough times, and about a year after our daughter was born, I think we reached our lowest point. I wasn't sure of him anymore. Sometime after that, I think he went through his own stage of personal growth. He certainly started showing me more affection (sometimes even without sexual overtones) and appreciation. To me, it showed that he really felt the good things about us together outnumbered the bad things, and we could work on refining our differences.

After being together for 9 years now, I trust him. He has managed to stick it out with me over time. This really means a lot to me. I guess it has taken this long for me to really start letting my walls down. I think I would have a difficult time exploring my kinks without the trust I have with him.

My husband really has qualities that make him very sexy to me. First, there is a quality of maleness - I don't know how to describe it, but some men have it and some don't. Maybe it's what my hidden submissive side was attracted to, but he just gives off this aura of sex; he's a man who knows what he wants and knows how to get it, yet he's not arrogant. He never had a problem getting dates, so I don't think I was the only woman who sensed this about him.

Of course, raw sex appeal alone wouldn't be enough. He is also intelligent, sweet, caring, considerate, sexually confident, and open-minded. He has a really great body right now - almost too good, in fact. There used to be some teeny tiny love handles (and they were cute, really), but he's going to run a marathon soon, so with his training there is nothing left. Zip. It makes me feel like I need to lose that last stubborn 5 pounds so I can look as sexy, although I must throw in here that I don't want to lose it for him, but for me. The exercise involved (I would rather work out than give up food!) will also help my sexual stamina ;p

I paint this rosy picture of our marriage, but we do still have our ups and downs. Most of our current disagreements are about deciding the best way to handle situations that come up with our 2-year old. We really have to focus on the fact that we ultimately have the same goal in mind or else we quickly deteriorate into an argument. We both have stressful days and pick at each other sometimes. We're normal, basically. My husband really makes an effort to let me know despite our disagreements, he loves me. I really need this reaffirmation. He also knows that I love him deeply.

In the past, we've definitely had our troubles sexually. At one point he felt I had no libido. I felt he wanted it too much. He wanted it daily. I didn't want him all over me nearly so often, even if it did feel good. He would find pleasure instead at his computer. Occasionally, I would walk in and catch him masturbating to porn. I called him a sex addict because he was hiding his porn from me and it was affecting our marriage. I was taught that porn was a dangerous threat to marriage, and even though I was no longer religious, I still held this view. Seeing him there made me believe it. He was giving in to his licentious desires.

In one instance, his quest for porn led to an increased lack of sexual confidence on my part. One time when I walked in on him, I could tell he had found his porn for the night by searching for big boobs. Not only was I bothered by his masturbating to porn, but I was also very hurt by the boob thing. I do not have big boobs. I am a tad bigger now than I used to be; I'm a very full 34B whereas I used to wear a smaller 34B, but either way, I do not have giant breasts. He says he likes all breasts - that was just a search he typed in, but it still hurt.

So, it has not always been rosy, and we will still have our bad days. At least we know that from a libido standpoint, we match up just fine. If anything, I want it more than he does, although I have to give him credit for being able to perform after running 20 miles!

The main sexual hurdle left is with me. I have to be willing to very specifically tell him what I want. Sometimes I still feel a bit nervous because I don't know how much he really will enjoy what I want. I know he certainly would be willing to try something to please me, but I want him to get off, too.

He does enjoy being in charge, so maybe everything I want is just waiting inside him. Without telling him what I want, I do see a bit more aggressiveness on his part. He had me suck his cock while he was wet with my own arousal a couple of weeks ago, and this is now part of our repertoire. That was new, and it was something he initiated. The other evening during a quicker round of sex, he nibbled at my nipples very - diligently - while I was riding him. Afterwards he asked if he had been too rough... I had loved it; it was incredibly stimulating.

Anyway, I just need to tell him about my fascination with floggers:) I am the one with licentious desires now!

my inner slut

2005-04-27T10:03:00.000-07:00

Writing this blog really helps me figure out exactly what my sexual desires are. Take for instance my recent post about a threesome fantasy of mine - both Jay and HannoverFist commented on how they got to watch or even be part of my threesome. I didn't throw that in there for entertainment value; that was how the fantasy played out in my mind. Reading those comments made me realize that a recurring fantasy theme for me is being exposed, and sometimes not only to my husband. I never really thought about it before, but I guess I have a secret exhibitionist streak.

Mind you, it's fantasy. I don't think I am an exhibitionist in real life, but it's definitely there in my fantasy world. I've got a crazy desire to be very, very exposed.

Maybe it's because I really am a shy person? Not only am I a bit shy with people, but I'm very shy about my body; I don't feel comfortable changing in a women's locker room!

My shyness is not nearly as much of a factor as it used to be, but it's still part of my nature. I'm almost too shy sometimes to tell my husband what I want him to do to me and what I fantasize about him doing. I have to work on dirty talk; sometimes it still sounds silly coming out of my mouth; sometimes the words don't flow naturally enough. I want to beg to be fucked and flogged. I know I look more innocent than sultry, but my inner slut is inside, just waiting to be set loose. I have kept her hidden all my life, and now that I've opened the door, my slut wants to share everything.

My submissive fantasies cater to my inner slut. In my fantasies, I am forced to be seen; I am very exposed. If there is any reticence on my part, it doesn't matter as the situation is taken out of my hands. I am required to spread open and show my wet pussy. My fantasies may not start out that way, but at some point, my most private parts are on display.

Most of the time I am open and exposed to my husband, and now these fantasies are often played out for real. I love it when he tells me to spread open for him. I love it when he takes pictures. I love it when he wants me to masturbate while he watches intently.

My fantasies go much farther than what I am comfortable playing out in real life. Sometimes I am on display while my husband uses me. Sometimes I am required to touch myself while others watch. I have the above mentioned threesome fantasy, and sometimes I am open for many - for them to touch, explore, use and penetrate, a la gangbang, tieme-n-spankme style. I don't think I really want to be seen or used by a room full of men, but I it satisfies my inner slut to have these fantasies.

I am still getting to know my inner slut. I'm not sure where she will take me, but I really like her, and I am going to indulge her. She's kinky, but her kinks only have my pleasure in mind. It's hard to believe that I was so scared of her before.

Blog-a-thon follow-up

2005-04-26T13:20:00.000-07:00

Three people asked to be interviewed by me for the Blog-a-thon: Freya of Freya's House of Dreams, Patty of A Creative Spanked Wife, and Us.

Freya was the first person to ask for questions, and I was very excited. She has a wonderful & engaging writing style, and although I don't know her, I imagine her as one of those people who puts you at ease right away - full of warmth that's mixed with empathy for others. I imagine her conversation as bold, and sometimes even brash (cause she does write smut, you know), but softened with the poetry of her soul. She was a bit of a challenge for me because she's fascinating to me (can you tell?), and five questions don't seem like enough. I finally gave her the following q's:

1. What made you decide to buy your first vibrator, and how was your first experience with it?
--I asked because she had mentioned buying one with a friend...
2. How did you overcome your inhibitions over the word pussy?
--She said once she had trouble saying the word out loud; sometimes I do, too...
3. It sounds like you started writing smut before you realized your D/s desires. How did you get into smut, originally?
--I just wanted to know...
4. What was the D/s book that piqued your interest?
--I think it's interesting to find out how people open up to their kinks
5. What is something that you are fantasizing about but you haven't yet tried, and you desperately want to?
--Exploring fantasy is a real interest of mine right now!

Read Freya's answers here!

I was also honored to have Patty ask me for five questions. She has a fabulous site - full of stories, real life adventures, and lots of erotic spanking-related artwork. If you want to see a pretty upturned bare bottom, she's the place to go. She also provides a wealth of info and experience when it comes to spanking and integrating it in a DD lifestyle as well as the sexual aspects of it. She seems like a wonderful person to know - thoughtful and ready to pass on wisdom, but also very human and very real. She also seems very impish and playful, ready to laugh and have a good joke. Although I don't seek a DD lifestyle, her site is one that made me realize how much the spanking stuff fascinates me sexually. Here are the questions I finally gave her:

1. When was the first time you orgasmed from spanking alone?
--I don't orgasm (at least at this point) from anything other than clitoral stimulation and sometimes penetration, but this fascinates me
2. What prompted you to start drawing your erotic pictures, and do you draw non-erotic stuff?
--Her artwork is really nice, so I figure she must...
3. Do you really have a favorite spanking implement, and if not, can you rank your top choices?
--'cause spanking really interests me, and she's the expert
the next ones are Eamon & Sheila related...
4. Your Eamon & Sheila stories are basically your stories - but I was wondering how much and when do you take artistic liberty with them?
--They are her real life stories, but I wondered if she does take some liberty with them
5. Sheila got her first spanking not too long after she met Eamon (before they were married). When & what happened to make you realize that Fred was going to spank you?
--I read the story of when they met, and I just wondered if that was how it really played out...

Read Patty's answers here!

Us has a newer blog (evidently they had another one somewhere but they are new to me), and so far it sounds very interesting. Hopefully the blog-a-thon questions will help the sex blogging world get to know them better. Here are the questions I gave him:

1. Besides maybe a future threesome, what is something that your wife has actually done in her party going years that you want her to do again?
--I know he likes the threesome idea, but I wanted to find out what else his wife did that has his mind going
2. What's something that neither of you have ever done that you want to do?
--Again, exploring fantasy is a real interest of mine right now
3. What's your favorite sexual position, and what is your wife's?
--Just curious, and I also thought maybe this was a way to get some womanly input
4. If you could choose anyone, be it movie star or neighbor, what man would you choose to invite over for a threesome with you and your wife?
--Since he likes the threesome idea, let's put a face on it!
5. In the threesome with your wife and another man, what do you think you would you see that would get you off the most?
--Curious as to what he perosnally thinks is such turn on about a MFM fantasy

Read his answers here!

If you want to trace the blog-a-thon back, check out Jay Loves Kitti, and his interviewer, Boobs and Legs.

Blog-a-thon Part 2: My Threesome Fantasy

2005-04-21T21:06:00.000-07:00

I asked to be interviewed in a Blog-a-thon by Jay of Jay Loves Kitti. This very long post includes a very "detailed" answer to questions 3 & 4. I answered the other questions in my last post.

If you want join in the Blog-a-thon craziness and get interviewed by me, see the instructions at the bottom of my last post.

Jay asks:
3&4- Who are the participants and how does your favorite threesome fantasy play out?

When Jay gave me my questions, he emailed me, "Really only three questions but I didn't want to wear out my welcome, since I was hoping for some detail."

Well, you asked, so here it is, it all its gory detail. My favorite fantasy threesome, a MFM of course, in it's latest incarnation includes my husband and an unknown male. It's hard to imagine this being played out in real life, but it's great for getting me all tingly.
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
We were going out after dinner, and I knew you had something special planned for the evening as you asked for me to wear something sexy. I have a little black dress that I finally can fit into again, and I remember you used to really like it, so I figured that it would be perfect. It's fairly short but not so much that I am embarrassed to go out in it, and the almost racer-back cut reveals my arms and shoulders which are fairly toned from carrying our 2-year old around. I wore a black, unlined sheer bra and matching thong panties that barely covered any of me. Access to me will be easy for you tonight, and I felt very sexy in my outfit - always a good start to the night.

After dinner, we get into our car, and because you want to keep tonight a complete surprise, you give me a blindfold and ask me to put it on. We drive for what seems like 20-30 minutes, and you tease me the whole time about how I am in for a big surprise. I can't help but try to "feel" where we are going, but even with my sense of direction, wherever we are going doesn't seem familiar to me. I am very excited about tonight, and I certainly am impressed with your planning!

Once we arrive at our destination, you tell me to keep on the blindfold. After helping me out of the car, you guide me up some stairs, and I hear you open a door. Inside, I can hear indistinct voices and laughter, a party of some sort, but we walk away from the partygoers. I hear a door shut behind me, and everything is very quiet, wherever we are. There is a very faint smell of leather in the room, so even though I can't see anything, my impression is of warmth.

"Would you like to know where we are?"

"Yes, please, and does that mean I can remove the blindfold now? What have you planned? This all seems so elaborate!" I am excited and very intrigued by your plans.

"We are at a dungeon party, and I've arranged to have a private room. I want you to keep the blindfold on until I remove it for you." Your voice gets a little softer, "tonight, baby, do you trust me with your body?"

"Of course, you know I do." I am melting already! This is a fantasy coming true. I can't believe we are at a dungeon party; this meant that you, my dear husband, probably had some very wicked things in mind for me. I can't believe you have actually taken this step; I always thought something like this would be too much for your tastes! I feel myself start to get wet and tingly between my legs in anticipation of whatever you have in mind. My brain is racing with hundreds of thoughts and images flashing through my mind all at once. Will I be restrained? Will you try new things? What will you do? Will you spank me? How will you make me submit to you?

"I know we've never had a safeword before, but I want you to have one tonight, OK? The dungeon master here recommends "safeword," and if something is approaching your limits, you can say "yellow," OK?"

Wow. We've been mildly adventurous in our sex life, but we've never done anything like this before. I am still in a bit of shock from being at a dungeon party, in a private room somewhere, when you interrupt my thoughts with your touch on my arm. You bend me over on a table. You lift the back of my dress, and I can feel the air on my cheeks and the hardness of the table beneath my torso. Your hands caress my backside, gently, moving from one cheek to the other, and then lower along the string of my thong, briefly rubbing my slit through the panties, feeling the wetness of me soak through the thin fabric as you press it against my cunt. Your hands leave off caressing my parts, and the next thing I feel is you securing my wrists in cuffs attached to the table. You return to my backside and kiss me lightly on my pussy. You then spread my legs a little more and move my ankles into some type of cuff, perhaps attached to the table's legs.

"I'll be back in just a minute, my darling slave."

The next thing I hear is the door open, and then close. I feel very exposed, bent over, spread open, with my skirt lifted up. I am also crazy with sexual excitement. My pussy is throbbing.

It seems like an eternity before you return, but finally I hear the door open again. I hear soft footsteps, almost different from yours, so for a minute I am very uncomfortable, but I hear your reassuring voice as you gently caress my exposed cheeks. Your next move takes me by surprise.

Smack! I almost jump a little in surprise, except that I can't because I am bound to the table. There is now a very faint sting on my backside. You have a flogger? I am incredibly turned on. The idea of a flogger once would have been scary for me, but now it's part of most of my spanking fantasies.

"Your body is mine!" You punctuate that with another swing of the flogger on my cheeks.

"Yes, yes, I am yours, my body is yours!" I love telling him that, even at home during our lighter play, but tonight I feel him completely claiming me, making the words mean more than I can say.

"And tonight, someone else is in the room with me, and I have given him permission to touch you. Your body is mine to share."

I gasp in surprise, but then I gasp again as you flog me again, this time with a little more force. Before I can say anything, you get into a rhythm with the flogger. I am in shock, but the sensations of the flogger are also very powerful, and I can feel myself succomebing to the stinging on my cheeks. You continue to flog me, and I feel hands on my inner thighs, and I know they are not your hands.

"She is very responsive, you are right, very nice," says a male voice. The hands move up my inner thighs to slide my thong over to the side.

The feelings washing over me are overwhelming. I love how you master my body and make it sing with desire. I love being exposed and vulnerable for you! Yet, I can't believe that someone else is seeing me bent over, that someone else is watching you flog me. Someone else is touching me, moving my panty to the side, seeing my most intimate parts. I am incredibly exposed; I know someone is staring at my pussy, and I know that it is wet and open - and inviting. I'm scared and vulnerable. You must sense my feelings, and you interrupt my flogging for a minute while you rain kisses over my fiery cheeks.

The fingers move over my pussy slit, over my clit, and then two fingers, no, maybe three - I don't know - the feeling is very full, slide slowly but easily into my wet pussy. Another hand starts gently flicking over my clit while the fingers plunge in and out of me. The flogging has continued to punctuate the finger penetration, and a flicking tongue has replaced the finger on my clit. I am intensely aware of every sensation, and I don't think my body has ever tingled like this before. My pussy is very full with the fingers, and the tongue increases its tempo over my clit until I am lost in orgasm. I feel my whole body pulse, my backside feels fire, and my cunt muscles clench tightly around the fingers that are still moving inside. It is the most intense orgasm that I have ever experienced; I literally feel like I am flying. The sensations are so strong, and I feel so full inside, that my body follows again with a second orgasm. I can hear guttural moans coming from my mouth from the sheer pleasure, but it almost is like I am not even part of my body.

After a minute, I realize the flogging has stopped, and I feel your hands caressing me. I don't feel the stranger's hands on me anymore. You move your hands over and up my back until you reach my dress zipper. As you unzip my dress, you caress my back, and then you move your hands to release my wrists from the cuffs. I feel a second set of hands releasing my ankles. You stand me up, remove my dress, and have me sit up on the table. You massage my wrists while you kiss me, and then you gently push my body down onto the table. I am naked, laying on my back with my knees bent, my toes curled over the edge of the table.

"How is it so far, my love? Are you OK? Were the restraints too tight?"

"I am a bit overwhelmed, but I'm OK." I can barely answer him. I don't seem to be able to form any coherent thought.

"Just OK?" He moves his hands down my body to between my legs. "I had hoped for a bit more than just OK."

I feel his fingers moving over my pussy, and I spread my legs open for him. I moan as he touches me.

"How do you feel? Do you like this? Do you want it to stop? You need to let me know, or else I will think you don't enjoy being a slave tonight."

"No, please, don't stop! I love being your slave," I beg as his fingers stop moving over me to elicit a response.

"That's better!"

He slides two fingers in me, a movement of claiming my pussy, and he removes his hand and massages my body again. He moves his hands over my knees and down my calves, and then he spreads my bent legs even farther apart and cuffs my ankles into place. My cheeks are hanging over the edge of the table; I can imagine how I must look, so ready to be fucked. Someone else restrains my wrists over my head. I feel hands and lips move over my belly and around my breasts, but I know they are not yours. Teeth nibble my nipples, compressing slightly, sending pleasure through my body. You take little bites of my inner thighs, teasing me, tickling me. Soon, you are fucking me and playing with my clit at the same time, and the other man is on the table, over my mouth, pushing his cock against my lips. I open my mouth to receive him. I am being fucked in two places at once. The pleasure from you plundering my pussy and stimulating me at the same time is overwhelming, and I am nearly choking from the cock in my mouth. I can't concentrate on doing justice to the cock in my mouth, but it doesn't seem to matter as the cock is doing all the work, pumping in and out of my mouth, using me for its pleasure. I feel the cock getting stiffer and stiffer, and I know that soon it will come. It does, partially in my mouth, partially all over my face and neck as it pulls out of my mouth.

You still haven't come yet, and you move out of my pussy and get on the table to plunder my mouth for yourself, your cock covered in my own arousal. In a few minutes you come, squirting into my mouth, and I know you want me to swallow it all and lick you clean.

The other man was not touching me while you came into my mouth, but now, while you are still resting on my body, I can feel fingers at my pussy again. You finally move off of me, but now all I can focus on are the hands teasing my pussy lips, the fingers almost sliding in me but not quite, then moving over my clit and and back around my inner lips. I feel a sudden coldness as lube is dropped on my pussy and drips down my ass. A finger moves over my ass as I feel my pussy penetrated by something, maybe a dildo. It is very wide and I feel stretched open and very full. The finger slides inside my ass, the dildo is pumping in and out, and another finger joins in to play with my clit. Yet another hand moves over my breast, squeezing my nipple, rubbing the tip over and over, and then moving over to the other nipple.

"We're prepping you for later," a male voice says.

I can't respond. Again, I am feeling overwhelmed with sensation. I feel stimulated in so many places at once. I am so, so full. I have never felt so full, and my nipples and clit are both sending violent shivers up and down my body. I soon orgasm, hard. It almost hurts as my muscles contract around the wide dildo that fills my pussy and the the finger that has invaded my backside.

The fingers and dildos all leave my body, and for a few minutes I can barely breathe. Everything has been so intense. Yet, I know that more is coming. How can there be more? I feel someone wiping off the excess lubricant off my pussy and ass, and I'm uncuffed. You help me stand up, and I feel your hands rubbing my shoulders. You rub your fingers across my body, caressing me, loving me, reassuring me.

"You're pleasing me so much tonight, my darling sex slave"

I respond to your praise, craving it. "I love pleasing you."

"I am going to move so that you are straddling me, and I'm going to fuck your pussy while you also get your ass fucked."

I know sometimes you like to say things in such a way to shock me, and you definitely accomplished that. Soon, I feel my body guided to sit on you. I crawl on your body, and I feel you hold me tightly, kissing my mouth, gently at first, and then a little rougher. You are taking control again even though I am on top. Your hands move to squeeze my nipples, harder than you did earlier. It hurts just a little, but it also feels incredibly stimulating. I feel your cock near my pussy, and then I feel the coldness of lube on my upturned ass. You slowly push my pussy down onto your cock, and you let me feel the fullness of you while I also am being taken from behind. Strong hands are guiding my hips while a cock is very slowly penetrating my ass, pulling in and out a little, going a little deeper each time. Soon, I am filled again, and this time the feeling of fullness is even greater than before; a cock feels so much bigger than a finger in my ass. I am being fucked in my pussy and my ass. Each time I move over you there is a reciprocal movement from behind. I am fucked and fucked and filled and I love it. Your cock is rubbing against my sweet spot inside my pussy, and the movements of the other cock seems to stimulate spots I didn't know I had. You start to play with my clit again; I am so close to orgasm, and soon I am exploding. In a few minutes I feel the pulsing of cocks, yours in my pussy, and then a minute later, another pulsing in my ass. Soon, my body is empty of all cocks, but I feel a continued tingling and fullness, and my pussy muscles continue to spasm as I rest limply on your body.

I hear footsteps followed by a door opening and closing. The other man must have just left.

You comfort me, caress me, and make me feel very loved. You pull off my blindfold and give me the deepest kiss, and I melt into your arms. I can't speak; I can't even think of words right now. I vaguely take notice of the room. It is well lit with lights that cast a warm glow rather than fluorescent hardness. One wall is lined with more implements than I've ever seen in one place; I recognize floggers, ropes, canes, whips, cuffs, and more. To the other side of the room there is a chaise lounge - that must be where I was taken from behind while sistting on you - the scene flashes in my mind. In a corner there a table organized with all sorts of condoms, dildos, vibrators, butt plugs, and many things I don't even recognize. In the middle of the room is the bondage table. It is really a work of art when it comes to restraint with various attachment points for cuffs. I can see in my mind how I must have looked bent over, and then later, facing up, legs bent and spread open. I realized from the placement of the restraints that my spread pussy faced the doorway and a mirrored wall. Looking at the table brought all the erotic sensations I had just experienced back to mind, and it sent shivers up my spine knowing that my husband and the other man were able to watch in the mirror, also.

After some time passes, we clean up a little, dress and join the party, and a few faces turn as we enter the room. The faces are too knowing, and I realize they must be aware of what has just happened to me. No, they more than just know - they watched - the mirrored wall - they could see through it! A warm flush creeps up my neck. My eyes turn downward, unable to look anyone in the face, knowing that many have seen me naked and spread open, knowing that one man in the room has enjoyed my body as intimately as my husband.

Part one of two: Blog-a-thon questions answered

2005-04-20T14:01:00.000-07:00

I asked to be interviewed in a Blog-a-thon by Jay of Jay Loves Kitti. I'm not always a big participater-type person, but I figured if I ever wanted to do this, then getting interviewed by JLK would be fun. They are one of my very favorite reads, probably because I can relate to all the married with kid problems that come up and interfere with their sex life. Plus, they are relatively close geographically, so if one day when hubby & I are at Disneyland or some other SoCal venue, and I see a tall 36DD woman with two kids and a horny looking husband, I can wonder, is that J & K?

If you want join in the Blog-a-thon craziness and get interviewed by me, see the instructions at the bottom of the post.

Jay gave me the following five questions:
1&2- Does your husband know about your blog? If not, how do you think his discovery of it would play out? If he does know, how does the blog affect your relationship in the bedroom?
3&4- Who are the participants and how does your favorite threesome fantasy play out?
5- How would you feel and react if a male friend (that you find f*able) mentioned reading your blog?

This post includes the answer to 1,2, & 5.The answer to 3 & 4 is pretty long, so I am going to put that in a second post.

Q. 1&2- Does your husband know about your blog? If not, how do you think his discovery of it would play out? If he does know, how does the blog affect your relationship in the bedroom?

A. Yes, he knows about it now, although he didn't initially know about it. I made a post a while back on the day that I sent him the link (he knew something was up with me anyway). Initially, sharing it made me all nervous and giddy, and he definitely teased me about getting a spanking.

My blog now provides a way for me to share my some of private sexy thoughts with him. I am still pretty shy about sharing my fantasies, especially if there is any kink at all in the fantasy, and almost all my fantasies are kinky! He doesn't read my blog daily, but instead I email him posts about my fantasies along with some of the sexy naked pictures he took of me:)

Q. 5- How would you feel and react if a male friend (that you find f*able) mentioned reading your blog?

A. OMG. Very, very embarrassed. Not only am I shy about sharing sexual fantasy, but I tend to be a shy person by nature. I'm fine with conversation about work, and I am talkative with my friends, but I blush if I think I am remotely in the spotlight.

If the male friend didn't realize that it was my blog, I would do my best to change the subject quickly before my embarrassment gave me away. I'm pale and I blush easily! If he had already guessed that I might be the author, well, I don't know how I would be able to look him in the eye. I've written some pretty personal stuff in my blog, and it would be hard not to obsess about the guy knowing about how I love to be tied up, spread open, spanked, and penetrated. For most male readers, if you knew the secret fantasies of a female friend, would you ever be able to look at her the same?

I'm still working on the answer to questions 3 & 4. Rest assured, my favorite themes mentioned above are included.

Official Blog-A-Thon Instructions:

It will be my pleasure to interview the next however many people respond to this post who want to be interviewed.

Here’s how it works:
1. Leave a comment saying "interview me" if you’d like to be interviewed.
2. I’ll respond by asking you 5 questions here. They’ll be different than those above.
3. Update your blog with your answers to the questions.
4. When you do so, include this same explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same manner.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you’ll ask them five new questions.

sex blogging, porn, and sexual healing

2005-04-17T10:40:00.000-07:00

~Sex Blogging~

I recently discovered Violet Blue's website. I've heard of her before; her name was referenced on some other websites, but my Internet surfing is very random, and I never checked her out. Her site looked interesting, so I subscribed to her blog feed, and lo and behold, her very next post was about sex bloggers.

Well, the first thing that popped out at reading her post was:

Also, have you considered that the world might not need another BDSM submissive blog?

Ouch! Although my blog is focused on the very tamest BDSM at the moment (one might call it vanilla with a chocolate streak), I am the zillionth submissive female blogger out there. But, I started my blog when I was ready, what can I say? I didn't even know about all the sex blogs out there until I saw the Sex Blog category for the BoB awards. In fact, I was never much of a blog reader at all (hard to find the time), but one person I am very close to keeps a blog, and I religiously read her. She was nominated for a Bob (she's really good), so of course I had to vote for her. After I placed my vote, I scrolled down the results page and saw the sex blogs. The funny thing was that I was reluctant to even click on any of the links (it was pre-sexual awakening), yet, I couldn't resist. I ended up clicking on ...sweetness follows (they were the underdog in the voting), and I was hooked. And titillated. And shocked. Why was my pussy all wet and tingly? Why were all their kinks turning me on? I didn't even check out any of the other blogs for a while. I read all their archives. Finally I checked out another random link; it just happened to be Bliatz. I was hooked. I was so turned on by the kinky stuff other people were doing, and I felt oddly compelled to journal my own experience. (Note to self: I still haven't visited all the other blogs that were nominated yet...)

VB did make a couple of comments that I do adhere to with my own blogging. I use spell check (although on occasion an error slips by, but I do try to fix it once I notice), and I've put my non-sexual politics/culture/whatever stuff in another blog. I write from my heart, although I suppose how well that comes across is very subjective. I even modified the template a tad, but obviously it's not shockingly different from the basic one available on blogger. It's a struggle to make the time for my new blogging habit.

She made a list on del.icio.us of the blogs that she is following, and when I saw mine there, I was flattered. I mean, I am well past the stage in life of attempting to fit in or be accepted, and I don't believe in begging for reciprocal link-age. I am what I am - take it or leave it, but I still appreciate being noticed! There are a ton of other blogs on her list, many of which I've not stumbled upon, but a few on her list are my addictions already. Too many blogs and so little time, but here and there I want to check them out.

~Porn~

One thing I liked about her site is that she has reviews on porn. Most porn that I have seen has been so silly that even though they show lots of body parts, my mind focuses on the stupidity of it rather than the sex. Hubby is easier to please than I am, but he hates the cheesy music and miserable attempts at "acting" that pervades porn. Violet Blue gave a thumbs up to The Fashionistas, which in a previous post I mentioned was a very successful porn for hubby & I (we decided to purchase it even though we didn't finish it; the first scene is worth it alone). It was definitely helpful in stimulating more conversation about including spanking in our own sexual repertoire. She also has a Smart Girls' Porn Club. Hubby & I are not super into porn right now, partly because the porn stinks and also partly because we are so limited on our time, but at least I think we can find some good recommendations when we get a hankering for some pornos. I've used Adult DVD Talk to find a porno to rent in the past (it's how I found The Fashionistas), but I honestly was bit reluctant to surf through tons of stuff to try to find a good one to watch, especially when I didn't know much about any of the reviewers, porn stars, etc.

~sexual healing~

She also has a review on a video entitled: Healing Sex: The Complete Guide to Sexual Wholeness and a related book. I sure wish I had seen this several years ago, but then again, I don't know if I was ready for it back then. I clicked to the Amazon website to look at the book, and I noticed that one reviewer indicated that the author advocates BDSM for healing (although I should mention the reviewer thought this was terrible).

Wow. I think that may be a bit of what I am doing, and I pretty much just ended up in this place on my own. Somehow the erotic power exchange aspect of BDSM has changed how I think about sex. I mentioned before that I used to hate giving my husband oral pleasure, and now I enjoy giving it. I'm also now willing to explore the all the aspects of my own sexual fantasies, something that I repressed before. Whatever it is, it is working.

So who knew that I was attracted to The Fashionistas because it would be a sexually healing porno for me?

Exploring Threesomes

2005-04-14T10:09:00.000-07:00

I've read before that it is fairly common for women to have lesbian fantasies. So far in my life, I have not. Sorry dearest husband! Like most guys, he would love to have sex with 2+ women. I've asked him why it's such a turn on, and for him, it's not so much watching girls "do" each other, but mostly that there would be more girl parts to watch, love and play with. The extra visual stimulation seems most exciting to him.

While it's true I was brought up to think homosexuality is an abomination, in so many other respects, I've thrown off the religious repression and am at least open to trying new things. I support gay marriage and gay rights and all that, and I have no problem with other people having adult, homosexual sex. But I am just not interested in trying out a woman! I've even tried to fantasize about it, you know, to "explore," but it just is so unappealing that the fantasy stops before it even starts. Don't get me wrong; I do find some women very sexy. I just have no desire to touch them. I don't want to play with other women's breasts, and I certainly don't want to play with the secret places between their legs. I have no desire for them to touch me, either. I want penetration by my husband's cock, thank you very much.

I've even thought about what if I were blindfolded, and I had no idea of the gender of the person who was playing with me? Maybe that could still get me off, but it would be so weird to find out later that it was a woman. I guess for a heterosexual male to understand, it would be similar to going out on a hot date with a woman, and then later you discover you've been playing with a cross-dressing man!

As for ever letting my hubby live out his fantasy of a FMF threesome, I don't think I would deal well with seeing my hubby with another woman. Maybe this requires more sexual confidence. Maybe I am too possessive to deal with this. Maybe in some ways I'm just too old-fashioned. It really doesn't matter what the reasons are because in the end, the idea of my husband with another woman is - terrible. I don't want to share.

My sexual fantasies are generally focused on my husband engaging in all sorts of delicious activities with me, but I have on occasion fantasized about a MFM threesome, but I can't imagine turning the fantasy into reality. It's one thing to imagine a strange man touching you in intimate ways; it's quite another to experience it. With my husband, there is trust and love, but with a strange man there would be nothing.

That said, let me share some links with a couple of threesome posts that have stuck in my mind!

Girl with a one-track mind wrote about a threesome with a Domme friend: Sex Episode 9: Domination, Dungeons & Dominatrixes (part 3). There are a few parts where the girl-friend feels her breasts/pussy (and that is pretty weird/creepy to me), but even so I still found this post very erotic. Whenever I read an erotic story, my mind always seems to relate the experience to how my husband and I would fit into the story. I don't know what my hubby would think of being dominated, but I do think he could be a switch occasionally, just for something different.

Twisted Monk wrote an insightful post about why MFM threesomes are not ideal if hetero males are involved: The Perils of Penetration. I don't know where he went, but Desperate House Husband's last post was about a MFM threesome that did work, and as a woman, I thought it sounded like a lot of fun: My Friday night. DHH is willing to explore MM (although he doesn't in the 3-some), so he doesn't have those hang-ups to deal with. My hubby is very confident of his maleness & sexuality (he wouldn't care if he was in a locker room full of gay men, and if a gay guy hit on him he would be flattered rather than grossed out), but it is a bit hard to imagine him ever desiring something like this, at least in real life. I don't know what he would think about me being with another man, either. Again, I think it's one of those things that is easier to fantasize about than actually do.

Anyway, I doubt I will turn into a threesome girl anytime soon (we would never compromise our marriage with something like this unless it was something we both wanted - badly), but it does make for an occasional fun fantasy.

Craving the Cock

2005-04-13T13:44:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I just give his cock a quick lick or two in the morning when he's getting dressed, just to let him know that I love his cock, tempting him with promised pleasures. I like tasting him, and I love knowing that it pleases him. I love it when I am sucking him and I feel him stiffen from the sensations of my mouth and tongue moving over him. When he comes, his cock squirts, in spurts, in my mouth, and I am happy to swallow the evidence of his sexual satisfaction.

My mouth is his cock-whore.

There's no substitute for a real cock. Dildos and vibrators can be fun, but they don't have the same feel of a cock - just right in temperature, shape, and hardness. Dearest Cock, I want you inside of me. I am so filled with desire for you. Right now I am imagining you filling me, satisfying me. My pussy wants to wrap my moist muscled walls around you and squeeze you. I want to be stimulated by the in-and-out motion you do so well. Oh, how you know my pussy so; you can find just the right spot to bring me to bliss. My pussy craves your penetration!

My pussy is his cock-whore.

I am his cock-whore.

technorati tag: cockbloggingwednesday

A very pleasured weekend

2005-04-12T14:50:00.000-07:00

Friday night: I knew he was a little tired, so I figured we would cuddle more than anything else. I was wrong.

He made me open my thighs very wide. He wanted to watch while I masturbated. I started to play with my clit, and he situated his head very close to my pussy so he could see everything. I felt very vulnerable to him and also very turned on. Using both hands, he opened my pussy with his fingers. I could feel the slight stretch of my skin as he opened me, and he moved his fingers all around my pussy, making me feel full and yet very open at the same time. He told me to keep masturbating, and as soon as I was close to coming, he would command that I stop. He repeated this several times until I was begging him to let me come. He finally let me have my release, and then he took his pleasure with me, pounding my pussy until he was overcome with his own orgasm.

I love having him watch me, command me, and control me. I guess I have an obsession with spreading wide for him. It is so erotic for me, having to open up for his pleasure.
..........................

Then, on Sunday afternoon, we dropped off our toddler and the babysitter at the zoo for a private afternoon at home. Once we had the house to ourselves, we both showered to freshen up all our parts for each other, and I asked if I needed to wear anything special for him. He told me to choose something that I knew he would like, so I put on a white unlined lycra tank and a wrap-around skirt, and underneath I wore white sheer thong panties with black trim. I could see an approving look in his eyes once he saw me; he loves me in short skirts.

He had our camera out and also our little toybox. He told me to lay down on the bed, spread my legs open, and lift the front of my skirt. He took a picture of my pussy through the sheer material of panties. Upon his instruction, I pulled my panties aside so he could see me with no fabric obscuring my pink pussy. I heard the click of the camera. He then had me use my fingers to spread open my labia so he could see my open pussy in all its glory. I could see him looking intensely at me, and it felt very erotic. He reminded me that he could do whatever he wanted to with me, and then he touched my pussy with his finger. Again, I could hear the clicks of the camera. My pussy belonged to him, claimed by his finger. He teased me by quickly licking my pussy, and then he told me to stand up and bend over the bed, legs spread, hands pulling on my cheeks a little so I was very open for more of his inspection. He spanked me a few times and took a few more pictures this way. I loved it so much.

He then told me to stand up while he crawled underneath my legs with the camera, and he took pictures up my skirt, again while the crotch of my panties was pushed to the side. He sat up and started to eat my pussy while I stood over him. I bent my legs a little more so my pussy would fit nicely over his face while his tongue worked its magic. Soon, I was convulsing with an orgasm, but he wasn't through with me. He had me move again onto the bed and gave me a blindfold to put on. He got out the spreader bar and cuffed my ankles to it, and he positioned me so that my pussy was at the very end of the bed. The position was a bit awkward for me with the spreader bar, but I soon stopped thinking about any minor discomfort as he pleasured my clit and pussy with his fingers and tongue. He took out a vibrating dildo and partially inserted it, taking a picture of my pussy lips wrapped around it.

After delighting me again with an orgasm, he told me to scoot back on the bed and remove my panties, and he crawled over me and started to fuck my mouth with his cock. He took his cock out and plunged it deep into my pussy, in and out a couple of times, and then again he moved over me and fucked my mouth. He wanted me to suck my pussy juices off him - something he had never made me do before. I loved how he was using me for his pleasure! I could feel his cock begin to stiffen in my mouth, but before his excitement overcame him, he took his cock out of my mouth and moved back so he could plunder my pussy yet again. In a few minutes I had to suck him with my mouth, and he made sure that his cock was even wetter this time with my arousal. He fucked my mouth, harder this time, watching me clean my juices off of him, before moving back into my pussy for his final thrusts.

It was the most delightful weekend! I loved every minute of our time together.

Next time I will have to beg him to spank me harder (he was fairly gentle this time) and use me even more for his pleasure; the real thing is even better than my fantasies. I delight in being his.

bras and nipples

2005-04-06T16:33:00.000-07:00

I just recently purchased a new bra, and at the store there was a preponderance of padded and relatively thickly-lined brassieres. I am not busty woman, so I understand the desire to look bigger, but it made me wonder - what's better - having the padded bra or not? I mean, once you take the padded bra off, the illusion is gone, but the general public need never know. And what about letting the natural shape come through? There are an awful lot of T-shirt bras out there, designed to conceal the fact that you have nipples. Is it good to let your natural shape show through? I have a feeling that men enjoy seeing some nipple poking through, but what do men think of the woman sporting those nipples? Is she a hottie or a slutty? Do men notice the larger size more, or does the smaller breast with the nipples get your attention? Do women consider another woman a wanton for allowing those nipples to show through? In our modern society, why do we go to such lengths to hide nipples? Is is in such bad taste to have them?

I decided to pass up on the padded. I ended up getting a pink bra with unlined cups made of a sheer fabric and it matches some thongs I have. You can see everything through the fabric, and quite a bit of shape shows through my clothes (I do wear tanks and tees a lot). Hubby likes it a lot for a bra (he probably like it better if I went around topless, but I need to tease him just a little), so it's great for him. But what about for going around in public? Should I be confident, sexy, and proud of my body and rather prominent nipples, or is it better to leave the nipples in the bedroom. Heck, why even bother with bras at all? Supposedly they don't prevent sagging; I've read that if you are going to sag you will and if not, you won't. I lean toward just letting the nipples go where they may...

It's silly, I know, especially considering my small and probably more sexually open audience, but I even made a poll, because, well, I can. It's over to the right if you're interested.

The Bare Pussy and a Personal Shaver

2005-04-05T15:28:00.000-07:00

A couple of blogs I read have had posts lately on bare pussies. Check out
VS's New Feminist Manifesto and Jay Loves Kitti's Shouldn't we look like grown-ups?

As someone who's relatively new to going bare, I just had to post on this topic again. When I met my husband I had a full bush, and somewhere down the road in our relationship he asked me if I would shave it. As I posted before, I was creeped out. I felt that being bare was akin to being like a little girl, and that really gave me the weeby-jeebies. I did try shaving once for him as a treat, and I didn't like it (although he sure did). After a couple of days the stubble was really scratchy and I had bumps & ingrown hairs everywhere. Later on in our marriage, I decided to trim. Hubby really liked it me trimming; he preferred bare, but trimmed was a great compromise. I still felt a little weird about it, but I think it was more of the being exposed weird rather than the little girl weird. I began to realize that he liked it because he really likes looking at pussy, and he doesn't like wading through the bush to delight me with his toungue. At any rate, I did get used to keeping things trimmed, and hubby always encouraged the practice every time he gave me cunnilingus.

Going bare has been part of my awakening. I do have a tiny triangle of hair left, so I'm not 100% bare, but there's nothing where it counts. While it is true that being bare makes husband very, very happy, it also works as a turn on for me: just knowing that he likes to spread me and see all of me. It's makes me vulnerable; it gets me in a sexually submissive state of mind, and I love that. Being bare also means those bits of me get a lot of attention. Even when we are too tired for the slightly kinky, there is still usually energy for a little oral satisfaction. All I have to do is think about it and I am so incredibly turned on. Yes, even right now.

Product Review: Seiko CleanCut

So, that moves to the 2nd part of my post - removing the hair. I spent all of February shaving with a razor. The bumps were a continual problem, not so much in the bits, but along the edges where it's really nice to remove the hair anyway so you don't hang out of swimsuits or those sexy panties. I did some googling, and I came up with a couple of personal shavers that looked interesting. I don't want to wax because you can still get ingrown hairs & bumps with that method, and I have fast growing hair so I doubt my wax job would last long enough to make it worth some temporary bumps & pain.

Anyway, I looked at two products: the Body Bare and the Seiko Cleancut.

Clitical.com reviewed both of these products here: Personal Shaving Product Reviews. The Seiko Cleancut (also called the MidasTouch) evidently has been around a little while longer, and the Body Bare is a new product. The only improvement with the Body Bare over the Cleancut that I could gather from the reviews is that you can get a rechargeable unit with the Body Bare. It doesn't sound like there is any difference in the closeness of the shave. I may be wrong, but my guess is that the Body Bare is just a re-branded & slightly modified version of the Cleancut (the foil looks identical - even the center flowery shape, and the blade also looks identical). Disclosure info: Clitical.com is an affiliate of personalshavers.com.

I ended up getting the Cleancut. Here's why I chose the Seiko:

The company I bought it from has a 30-day return policy. Even though 100% of my money would not be returned, a little more than half of it would just in case I didn't like it. Half of my money back is better than nothing.
I already have a personal trimmer, so I don't really need a second one. I've been trimming for a while.
I got free shipping with the Seiko; the other place would have charged me 8.85

So, how do I like it? First, let me say that the review of it on clitical.com is pretty much on the money. It's definitely an improvement over using a razor. I nicked myself a few times in some of the curvy areas before, and that's not a problem with the Cleancut; it is perfect for getting around all those nooks and crannies. My pussy lips - including all around my clit, are soft and smooth when I am done, so it does a great job there. However, on my V area, it definitely doesn't give as close of a shave as does a razor blade, but it gets it close enough, and it beats having red bumps. Definitely use some powder for dry lubrication as recommended for both products. I don't like the fragrance used in baby powder (and if there are any remnants left on your skin it tastes NASTY), so I use pure corn starch you get from the grocery. If you do miss a hair for more than a couple of days, you may need to trim it to get it short enough for the Cleancut to work. Anyway, I am happy with my purchase even though it was a little expensive.

Too Busy + High Libido = frustrated

2005-04-04T16:31:00.000-07:00

I've already mentioned that my husband & I have been struggling with just being too tired to get experimental. I am hoping the time change will help a little. Our little one has been waking up between 5-5:30 AM every morning pre-daylight saving time; sunrise is way too early in my city with standard time. Neither my husband or I are morning people, so we've been taking turns getting up with her bright and early. Taking turns has been hard because it leaves one of us super-tired, and the other one of us still has a bit of energy left once we've gotten her soundly asleep in her bed. It's frustrating. Mind you, we've still had some good sex, but hubby hasn't really tried dominating me like I crave. If we're not able to do something one evening sometime soon, we will hire a babysitter during the day. Then, we can drop off sitter and our toddler at the park/zoo/etc so we can have the house to ourselves when we aren't too tired. My birthday is this month so maybe a birthday spanking is in store ;p

Did I mention it's been frustrating? My libido has been very high lately (partly because it's always high now, partly because of hormones) and I'm desperate for more than vanilla. I want to be ravished. Pretty soon I will be begging him for a spanking, or to be tied up, or something... but I want him to enjoy it as much as I will, so I don't want to push it if he's just in the mood for more relaxing sex.

One a positive note, we did have some fun in the spa last night. I can report that the silicone lube works as well in there as in the shower. Riding hubby in the water is so much fun - I can still feel the fullness of having him inside me. My pussy loves being penetrated. Just thinking about it ...

Bill Clinton and US Teens agree... oral sex is not sex

2005-04-04T02:17:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one who disagrees? Oral Sex Safe and Not Really Sex, Say U.S. Teens.

To me, oral sex is the most intimate sex act, and it IS definitely sex. When one chooses not to engage in penetration but instead has oral sex to preserve their virginity - well, to me this is like a criminal getting off on a technicality. You committed the crime; you did it; yet, you can technically say you are innocent because you weren't convicted...

Oral sex can be the source of some of the greatest pleasure, and I think this is true for both sexes. How can it not be sex?

I view oral sex as a very, very intimate act. Having a man in your pussy - seeing, touching, smelling and tasting your pussy - that's personal. To me, it's even more personal than regular fucking. It's something that some women are inhibited about; I know I felt very awkward about it for a long time. I am just lucky to have a husband who loves pussy - it really helps me open up to him, knowing that he wants it so much.

Giving head to a guy is also very intimate - you get really get to know a cock when you're eating it, and the act of swallowing - for those that do (and of course I do to please my man) - also is a very intimate thing. I also know a lot of guys like oral at least as much as pussy sex, so from the pleasure standpoint it must really rank up there. As proof:

I want you to suck my dick like you think the antidote is in it.
--Chris Rock

OK, you can't get (or make) someone pregnant with oral sex, so I see the advantages to teens and Bill Clinton in this respect, but sex is sex is sex - even oral.

take me... please

2005-04-01T13:34:00.000-08:00

To my love...

Cover my eyes. Cuff my hands. Make me your slave.

You push me against the wall, pull my hair back and kiss me violently.

You grab my breasts, swirling your fingers over each nipple, and then your tongue follows. I arch toward you so you can take my nipples deeper in your mouth.

Your hands slide down my belly, slightly tickling me. They slide further down, and I spread my legs apart for you as you command. Your fingers slide over my slit and then press up inside of me. I beg you to take me. Please. You continue to play with me, teasing me, keeping me near the edge but not letting me have release. I will do anything for you. Please.

You have me lean over our ottoman and and tell me that I am yours. I must submit to you. I must spread for you. Your hands lightly tease my backside, then my pussy. Then, suddenly, you are spanking me. I feel your hands stinging each buttock, and I am incredibly turned on by your power over me. You then rub a flogger over my pussy, and you rub your fingers over my clitoris, and they again slip inside me. I am very wet; they glide in and out, brushing against my clit with every movement, and I am on the edge again. Please. You spank me some more with the flogger, and my pussy drips as I feel the sting. Please take me.

You force my head up by grabbing my hair. You press my mouth over your cock. You hold on to my head and move my head in a tempo pleasing to you. I am desperate to please you, and my mouth begins to work its wonders on you. You shudder, but you hold back. You have me lay down for you and spread wide, and you enter me. You are as caught up in the moment as I am, and you take me, roughly, powerfully. I am lost. I am yours.

just tiny spanks so far in a very busy life, but the libido is still going strong

2005-03-29T14:09:00.000-08:00

Long time, no post. I haven't abandoned my blog, though! Just have been busy. I wish I had the time to blog every thought - and to act out more sexual fantasy!

Obviously hubby knows about my preoccupation with spanking and erotic power exchange since he's now privy to this blog. A few weeks ago when I shared it with him, he playfully gave my backside a couple slaps throughout the evening and kept teasing me about needing a spanking. I felt so nervous all night, almost like I was about to lose my virginity all over again - but the tension was even better than that. In bed, though, he didn't actually give me the spanking that he kept teasing me about. Instead, he told me that I was his, and he had me spread my legs wide for him so he could look at my bare pussy. He told me to masturbate while he watched, and he joined in for a little licking of my inner pussy lips. After the first orgasm he told me to continue, and after the 2nd orgasm he took over the job, his fingers penetrating my pussy and his tongue flapping over my clit. I had orgasm after orgasm, and he told me he would make me cum until I begged him to stop. I don't know how many orgasms I had until I could take no more - but my abs felt like I had a real workout! He's just helping me exercise:)

Hubby has teased me a little about me wanting and getting a spanking soon, but so far it's just been playful slaps. Mostly we've just been so busy. My work schedule will be very hectic until June or maybe July, and husband also has an upcoming work deadline in May. We also have a remodeling project going on right now, so our house has been it a state of chaos, and on top of that we've been working on helping our little one sleep through the night. This has required a lot of Daddy help, so he's been actually been pretty tired, too.

We haven't given up on sex, though, but it's been more vanilla. I think that the more experimental stuff takes a little more work - either getting out some toys or getting the mind in the appropriate master/slave state. This is not routine for us - it's still new. My husband is a nice guy, and I know he doesn't want to order me around when I am so tired that I can barely keep my eyes open - even though I am dying to try more.

Ironically, I saw this story in the news today: a recent poll for National Sleep Foundation found that "roughly one-fourth of respondents who have partners report that their sexual relationship has been hurt because they have been too sleepy. They had sex less often or lost interest in having sex because they were too tired." We probably have had a little less sex than if we were both getting a full night's sleep, but often we are now both tired at the same time, so we cuddle or have quickie sex to tide us over. Husband is still getting a good share of my tongue around his cock and my pussy spread open for him - and that means I am getting a lot of pleasure, too. I don't want to let our busy schedule to overly interfere with our sex life like it did before. Sex has taken a much more important role for me, and it's definitely for the better; it's even great stress relief;)

The blog continues - the last post was NOT the last!

2005-03-10T11:13:00.001-08:00

Busy day today, so this will be brief.

Husband came home last night, and greeted me with a squeeze to my bum followed by a nice good slap to the derriere.

I sent him a little email this morning...

You really turned me on last night, from the minute you came home to the minute we went to sleep. I don't know if you realized it or not, but you teased me and kept me wondering at the same time; it was a bit of a mind fuck for me! Just shows you're a natural at making me desire you and crave your touch even more. I love you!

It was a very good night.

Sharing my blog

2005-03-09T15:58:00.000-08:00

I don't like keeping secrets from my husband. First of all, I suck at it because my husband can read me like an open book. Secondly, I like sharing my thoughts with my husband. He really is my best friend. Sometimes I have a hard time discussing certain things with him, and I still am a bit timid on some of the sexual topics, but I know he is a good guy, and he cares for me. The fact that he is still with me after almost 7 years of marriage and several dry spells shows how much he cares.

Although I started my blog without telling him about it, and I haven't shown it directly to him, I really haven't gone to great lengths to hide that I was doing something. As I mentioned above, it's pretty much futile for me to try to hide it anyway. I mostly have been aiming for moderately discreet but not plain out hiding. Anyway, last night he asked about what I've been up to! So, I am going to share with him...

I hope he doesn't mind too much that I've been blogging about the very private details of our sex life. He has reaped the benefits of my blogging, so I think he will take that into consideration. I feel his main concern will be this: what if people we know happen to read the blog & figure out who we are? I know it's possible that I could give out too much info, but I do try to be careful. I am pretty good at thinking about how every possible detail gives something away, so every post has that in mind. Someone with a subpoena (or someone who works at our ISP) could certainly identify us, but we're not doing anything illegal, and I just don't think my blog will stand out so much that someone would even go to the trouble of investigating us at our ISP.

Anyway, I hope it's mostly happy reading for my husband. It will either result in some hot sex and erotic discussion (my mind can think up a few things for us to do), or it could result in a lot of talk, or maybe this will be the last post...

Why I lost my sex drive

2005-03-09T11:22:00.000-08:00

Money Factory posted recently on the seeming preponderance of women who lose their sex drives after marriage. Why does this happen? There are probably so many different reasons - individual to each woman - that no one person can really answer that question. I've touched on a few of these issues before, but here is a more in-depth look into the things that contributed to my own loss of libido:

Pre-baby issues
Before marriage, my husband and I had sex frequently. I think I subconsciously wanted to make myself more appealing to him. I never, ever had it in my head that I would have sex to snare him into marriage, but it kind of worked out that way. I also think because of some of my earlier life experiences, it was difficult to associate my value separate from sex. If I wanted his love, I needed to have sex with him. After marriage, the real world creeps in; any hang up a woman may have about sex can interfere with things. I hated to suck his cock (again, due to past experiences). I also felt guilty about hating it because Husband always wanted to make sure that I got some pleasure, and I didn't want to reciprocate. On some level I guess that made me less interested in sex as a whole; if he didn't pleasure me then I didn't need to pleasure him. In addition to my issues, I don't think we scheduled enough dates or set enough time together. While dating, the time was automatically set aside, but after marriage we both were concerned about household things/everyday life, and for me at least, that is not much of a sexual stimulator.

Also, I should mention again my strict religious upbringing. Although my mother actually didn't practice any religion, and she had custody of me, my dad greatly influenced me with his beliefs. My mom was a flake, so even though my dad belonged to a crazy religion, he brought some stability to my life. My dad's religion let you know that you bear the fruits of your actions, and my mom was living proof of what happened to someone who failed to follow the dogma. In this religion, certain sex acts were frowned upon and masturbation was sinful. In addition to being repressive, I think this compounded the shame that I felt from my childhood experiences.

My mind just wasn't programmed to think about sex in a positive manner. I bet a lot of women, even if they don't have my particular hang-ups, don't delight in their sexuality or indulge in their fantasies. I think everyone knows that the mind is the most important sex organ, but I think that we sometimes fail to realize just how important that it is. It is much more important than hormones and even natural libido. I now believe my natural libido was actually pretty good, but my mind totally dampened it.

Post baby issues
After childbirth, I was in a lot of pain. I had my baby naturally, but ironically, I had to have a spinal afterwards because there was a quite bit of damage internally. I really had a tough time dealing with the prolonged pain; it's a real downer. Before childbirth I had tried to mentally prepare for the procedures involved, and if things had gone as it normally does, I think I would have been OK. As it is, there were quite a few extra procedures done to me, and I felt invaded. I felt a total loss of control. It brought up my past issues - yet again.

The childbirth damage brings up yet another libido dampener for me. I was worried about my pussy appearance after childbirth. My inner labia were torn from the process, and even though it was stitched up, my pussy looked different than it did before. If I spread my legs open a little, my pussy opens right up - as in you can see inside a bit. It may sound silly to be self-conscious about that, but I think a lot of women worry about how they look, and down there is included. I guess it's fine for spreading wide - but I wasn't in that mode at the time.

Speaking of appearance - there is also the post-baby body image problem. I did not feel like a hot mama. Although I did lose some weight right away, I still was carrying about 15 extra pounds . I wasn't really all that chubby, but everything is relative - 15 lbs is a lot when you've never really had a weight problem before. I kept the extra poundage on for about a year, and most of the extra weight just pretty much went away on its own. My weight loss corresponded to a reduction in the frequency of breastfeeding, so I think that hormones were probably contributing to the pounds (because I really did nothing to effect the change). I still don't have the same body that I used to, but I do know that I don't look that bad. It really helps not to feel like a blob.

Breastfeeding also left me with the feeling that boobs are for feeding, not for sex. My breasts received so much attention that I didn't crave anymore (my child was an avid nurser). My breasts were also extra sensitive, so if the touch wasn't just right, it wasn't really pleasant. Plus, I think I was also a bit self-conscious about how much my nipples stuck out. If I wore a knit shirt that fit snugly around my breasts, you could see my protruding nipples, even with my nursing bra on. I didn't know that some women actually purchased fake nipples to achieve that look under clothes!

Also, after the baby, I suffered from tiredness like I've never known before. I know that breastfeeding uses up some of your juice, but I also had a baby who just didn't want to sleep. She rested in short spurts. I was pretty much in a haze for a long time. I also felt under pressure to be the best mom that I can possibly be (partly because of what we know today about child development, partly because my own childhood was unhappy - I wrote a "Mommy Madness" post in my other blog), and I suffered from a more than just a bit of the baby blues. I really was both physically and emotionally drained everyday.

I am not sure exactly what triggered my increased libido. It really was a combination of several things:

I work part-time hours now, so I get a baby break, and I also get a chance to use my mind.
Husband really tried to make me feel more appreciated for all the little things that I take care of around the house. He also is trying to be more supportive of me as a mother. He thinks that I try too hard to be a mom, and thus I set myself up for failure. Rather than criticizing me (even if it's true), he is trying to ease my load a little and lighten up a bit on the criticism. Husband also helps out more when baby wakes up at night (which thankfully the frequency has lessened). We still have our issues, but we are improving.
I feel better about my body/how I look. I still have my days where I don't feel overly attractive, but even this is an improvement over how I used to view myself. I can look back now and recognize that I actually had a very nice body when I was in my young 20s, but I never felt good about my physical appearance. Oddly, there is one positive thing about having a baby: I sure learned a lot more about cervical mucous & such, so at least I now know my body is pretty darn normal. I definitely felt self-conscious about that, too. I guess you can say I pretty much felt self-conscious about almost everything.
I kind of happened upon some other sex blogs - with some kinkage - and it was one of those eureka moments for me. I've had some thoughts in my head for a long time that I thought were just too weird. I really am a very repressed person sexually, and I have never been 100% comfortable with any sex act. Even so, I have had fantasies that I've felt guilty about, felt uncomfortable with, and reading about others exploring and living out their little kinks made me realize that it got me off, and kinky isn't as rare or strange or weird as I thought it was. It also made me realize that my libido is very much linked to how I think. Giving myself to my husband sexually does something to my mind that I absolutely love and crave. Sometimes I still have some unpleasant thoughts that creep back into my brain, but it happens a lot less when my mind is mostly focused on sex in a positive way.

Will I lose my new-found sex drive? I don't think so. Something really amazing has happened to how I think about sex. I don't know how far my husband wants to explore, but he definitely appreciates actually having a sex life now; that alone is a stimulus for him to keep a little kink in our sex life. We will still deal with tired days, job stresses, disagreements, etc, but I know deep down those are just temporary things. As long as I keep my mind stimulated, I will crave sex, and I think my sex life will improve as time goes on. I really want to work on feeling more confident and sexy, and to continue to break down my barriers to sex.

Silicone shower fun

2005-03-05T16:08:00.000-08:00

Guest was entertaining our little girl this morning, so we escaped to shower together for a few minutes. Hubby definitely wanted some attention, but we didn't want to take too long about our business since Guest and Baby would soon notice our absence. We started to play with each other, and I suggested we give our new lube a try. We've never used silicone lubricant before, and I purchased a bottle of ID Velvet recently with either the shower or spa expressly in mind. I definitely recommend it! Although I produce plenty of natural lube when aroused, it washes away when we are all wet & steamy, and it just isn't enough. The silicone solved that problem just as I thought it would.

I had just read Girl with a one-track mind's post on hand jobs, and I tried out the Basket Weave technique along with some of the new lube. It was the slickest, smoothest lube we've tried. I loved the feel of it while moving my fingers and hands over his cock - and he did, too. He had also used some to lube up two fingers & slide them up my cunt, stimulating my spot with one hand, gently squeezing my breasts & nipples with the other hand. He beat me to the come. I think the technique was very effective (although I don't think I mastered it in the shower, just too much excitement), and the lube definitely contributed to his speed in coming as well. I have a hard time coming when I am concentrating on bringing him to his pleasure, so once he had squirted his juices all over my hands, I let myself savor the feel of being felt up and claimed by him. With his fingers still in me, he continued to play with my breasts with the other hand, and he bent his head down to lick my nipples in such a way that it almost felt like gentle sandpaper rubbing over me. It was very erotic. I moved my finger over my clit, and I felt pain because I needed to come so badly. My relief came in a very intense and deep orgasm. It's amazing sometimes what a couple of mutual hand jobs can do. It was quick and so much fun for both of us.

Everyday life is in the way of my kink:(

2005-03-02T14:13:00.000-08:00

A couple of the past posts have indicated my impatience - and this will be yet another. Hubby has been busy at work, and I am in a publish or perish state right now for work, so I've also been pretty busy. Even so, some kinky sex would offer a nice release! But, we also have a relative visiting, so it's really hard to squeeze in more than just the basics sex-wise. Without revealing too many details, the way our bedroom is constructed allows sound to travel through most of the house, so it's really a sex-inhibitor (whoever designed this house must not have had a sex life or was very open about it). We plan to make a relatively simple alteration to fix this, so hopefully the next time we have a guest our activity will only be inhibited because of the time factor - and not because of a privacy problem.

On the positive front, I rented a porno for us, The Fashionistas (this was right before Guest arrived, can't even watch a porno with guest here unless we want to share). I have to say I was a bit hesitant about this video because I was afraid it would go too far for beginning kinksters, but you know, you can always turn something off, so what the heck.

I brought out the porno after our little one went to bed, and hubby was pleasantly surprised . The movie starts off with some scenes on a TV screen of a woman in what looks to be some pretty serious bondage (my husband: "wow, that looks painful," and I have to agree; I was somewhat concerned that maybe this was going to be too much...), but then fairly soon it moves to a scene with a girl bent over and a guy spanking and sexing her up in various ways. We watched a portion of the first scene together (followed by some quick but delicious sex), and afterwards my husband told me that he was really turned on by the first scene; to him the guy just took the girl and had his way with her. I told him I wouldn't mind if he did stuff like that to me, including spanking me. He certainly seemed receptive to the idea, and I was very excited that he was turned on by the idea of dominating me. I do know that my husband loves sex and is willing to try new things, but it's hard for me to know how far his interests go when it comes to dominating me. I am not even sure he knows, either, but I think I can count on getting spanked sometime in the near future!

Unfortunately we got too busy to finish watching the rest of the video before I had to return it, which was a bummer, but I am very happy with how viewing the first scene turned out. I think I would like to see the rest just to see what my reaction is to it - to see if something turns me on more than I would have guessed - or to see what things don't appeal (I don't want my nipple stretched out to the end of the room - ouch!).

On a side note, the only bad thing about the porno as far as I could tell is they don't seem to worry about getting bacteria from the behind into the pussy. I don't mind trying out some anal play again, but I do want to be sensible about it & keep my pussy environment happy.

Guest will leave this weekend, so I don't think we'll get much time & privacy to experiment with anything for the next few days. In the meantime I will be anticipating my first spanking...

For his viewing pleasure

2005-02-23T15:27:00.000-08:00

A fantasy for my husband... maybe we'll get to act this one out;)
~~~~~
He came home early and had arranged for our daughter to go over to friend's house for the afternoon. He surprised me a bit by telling me, rather forcefully, to go upstairs and wait for him.

When he came up to our bedroom, he was carrying what appeared to be some lingerie. My thought was confirmed as he handed a g-string and babydoll outfit for me to wear. I moved to kiss him to let him I know I appreciated his planning, but he told me, "No, put this outfit on while I get things ready. You are to do exactly as I tell you this afternoon."

I still wanted to kiss him, but I was excited by his commanding tone. I could already feel my body responding as I slid on the babydoll and the tiny thong that barely covered me. He got out our blindfold and had me put it on.

I could hear him moving around our room. I recognized the sound of him opening our blinds and the sliding door to our balcony, but there were other noises that I wasn't sure what to make of. I heard some velcro... our cuffs, maybe, except he didn't put anything on me. There were also some clanking and banging noises, lots of footsteps moving around on the carpet, and other various noises. At this point I had no idea what he was up to, and the suspense was driving me wild.

The noises finally stopped, and he grabbed my arm and led me to our balcony. He then removed my blindfold, and I saw that he had quite a set-up. He had moved our ottoman outside from our sitting area, and he had out the digital camera as well as the video camera, which was sitting on our tripod. Clearly a camera/video session was in order.

Our bedroom balcony is fairly private, facing a canyon to the back of our house. There are homes on the other side of the canyon, but they are relatively distant. I suppose someone could watch us, but they would definitely need a telescope; I guess if they go to that much trouble then so be it! I felt a little nervous, even with the relative privacy, because there was still the possibility we could be observed. It was also very exciting, though, at the same time.

"Sit on the ottoman, with your legs spread open, and look at me." I did as he commanded, and he started snapping the camera. At this point I could feel the wetness between my legs, and he seemed to know this. He moved the camera angle low so as to get a good view of my pussy. He told me to move the thong aside, so he could get my wetness on film. After several shots, he then told me to touch myself; he wanted me even wetter. He got up and turned on the video camera, and then returned to get close-up pictures. As I was caressing my clit he began to touch me, too, moving his fingers along the inner lips of my pussy. I was going wild, begging him to finger fuck me, or stick his cock in, but he told me not yet. He wanted me to keep touching myself, touching my clit, but he also wanted me to put my finger in my pussy, and he wanted to film me having an orgasm. He moved to the video camera while I stimulated myself. "Spread your legs open a little wider," he commanded. I could feel his attention on my body, on my pussy, watching my finger inside, my wetness dripping out. I was exposed to him, and I loved it. Soon, the contractions of my orgasm raked my body, and I could feel my pussy muscles squeezing my own finger.

"Good slave," he told me, "but you're not done yet.You're going to suck my cock, now. Get up, and lick me, lick my balls." I moved to do as bade. I went to work with my tongue on the underside of his balls, giving them my loving attention. I could feel his excitement build, and I moved the tip of my tongue up his cock, teasing him for a minute, before finally taking him completely in my mouth and moving up and down in a rhythm that I knew he liked. I increased my pressure with my lips slightly, and I felt his excitement build even more. I looked up at him, and he said, "Oh yes, oh yes, I am coming!" I took his explosion readily into my mouth, feeling his cock pulse. Once the pulsing faded away I very gently moved my mouth off of him, licking the last traces of his come off.

Thinking that we were done I moved to hug him, but he told me, "No, you still have more to do. Plus, now you will have to work hard to excite me again so that I can come inside you. You're blowjobs are getting really good, slave. I will have to reward you later."

He had me take a few other poses on our balcony. He then commanded me to remove my thong and bend over the ottoman. I could feel him taking pictures of my backside. He told me to bend over even more deeply, and spread my legs open even more, and then he wanted me to use my fingers to spread my pussy open even wider. He wanted to see all of me, film all of me. He came closer again with the camera, and he was still taking picture after picture. He then stuck his head between my legs and moved his tongue along my pussy and to my surprise, along my asshole. He moved his head away slightly and slid first one finger, then a second into my pussy. I was tingling inside, wanting release, and I begged him to take me, please fuck me! "Not yet, you little slut!" he laughed. He moved his fingers so that he was touching the spot that drives me wild, but then he removed his fingers, leaving me empty and begging for more. He got up, moved to the video camera again, and came back to me where I was still bent over the ottoman. He told me to touch myself again, and then he shoved his cock deep into my pussy. He took me firmly, aggressively, as he moved my hips to meet his every thrust. I was already so excited from all the teasing that this last bit of stimulation was all I needed to come again, and he slowed his thrusting as my muscles squeezed him. He then told me to use one hand to spread my butt open, and with my other hand he wanted me to rub my finger around my anus. This is something that he has never asked me to do before, but I do as he wishes, feeling new sensations in the process - excited by knowing he is watching me. He came in just a minute more, filling me with his warmth, sending more shivers inside of me.

Patience, and Getting More... in time

2005-02-21T15:45:00.000-08:00

I need to be patient.

I am so ready to do more it's crazy! But, I need to be patient. I've continued to take things slowly, and at this point my husband is just enjoying sex in general with an eager and ready partner. I haven't brought up too much in the way of suggestions yet - as I don't want to make something that I think will eventually be so fun into a job.

Temptation, another woman exploring her submissive side, blogged this the other day:

He said that almost every day i 'drop hints' about D/s and that makes Him feel resentful of the whole business, which in turn makes Him not want to do it at all.

"On Wednesday you didn't say anything about it all day, and that made me want to do it" He said, to my amazement. i guess i have been putting a lot of pressure on Him, even without being aware of it, and He pulled away because of it.

I think temptation is sharing a good lesson learned. I also know I can be tempted into pressuring my man, so I must resist. I do think my husband will be interested in trying more; he was certainly receptive to my initial conversation/ letter, so he's definitely not adverse to the kink.

I also saw a question on Sex Advice from Nina and Rita: Vanilla to Kinky in 60 Seconds , and although it's a different scenario (it's dealing with a young and inexperienced male), I thought this part applied in my case:

Think of it this way: he’s a painter who had access to only yellow paint for four years. You surprised him when you gave him tubes of red and blue.

You see, my husband is supremely satisfied right now. He's only had occasional sex for a while now, so he's pretty happy to have frequent sex. He's happy to have me suck his cock until he cums in my mouth. And, I do think he's enjoyed asking me to spread my shaved pussy very wide for him;) The color has come back to his life, and he needs to fill up a little on that before he moves on to all the colors I am willing to offer him.

Why the heck I am blogging this stuff, anyway?

2005-02-16T10:00:00.000-08:00

I am sure some people wonder why I am blogging about all this stuff (or for that matter, why does anyone else blog about such intimacies) . I can't speak for the others, but I have a feeling some people's motivations might be similar. Sure, I know that some people could hit my blog because they want hardcore porn, at which my blog is a big letdown. Others may come to get off with some erotic reading, and depending upon their taste, my blog might be interesting for those people. This doesn't really bother me as long as they don't get too offensive to me about it. I find some other blogs out there that are pretty stimulating and sometimes even educational, and what's wrong with some erotica?

For me, though, my blog really accomplishes three things. First, it's part of my release. It's exciting and gives me a sense of freedom to put my sexual awakening to words. I think I can bring more of my fantasies into reality by writing them down. I also just feel sexier now, and empowered, even though I am writing about sexual submission and giving up erotic power. Isn't that cool? The second thing that my blog might do is help some guys at least understand some of the reasons a few women are so blah in bed. I don't have any special answer for men as to how to wake up their wives/girlfriends sexually, but knowledge is power, as they say. I don't think all the sudden binding & spanking your wife & commanding her to suck your cock all day long is really the answer (even though deep down inside it could be just up her alley), but maybe I can offer some insight into many hangups & problems women like me are dealing with such as abuse issues, prudish/religious issues, hormones, and the general tiring tasks of daily life. Also, a lot of marriages go through dry spells, but maybe there is hope for at least a percentage of those marriages. I went from forcing myself to lick my husband once every so often to actually getting wet while pleasuring him on an almost daily basis:) And lastly, perhaps someone will read my blog one day and realize they are just a kinky slut in disguise, too. That's what happened to me. Randomly reading about other people losing their inhibitions and exploring their kinks inspires me. Perhaps I can return the favor, just a little.

One thing I am not looking for with my blog is someone new to Dom me. I want to be dominated by my husband as far as he desires to go. I love him, and I trust him; I wouldn't want to be dominated otherwise. As we eventually go a little farther in our exploration of kink, I know that he will always be loving and gentle, even if he's being rough and giving me a bit of sting. It may sound contradictory, but I think those in loving relationships will know what I mean. Plus, I am attracted to my husband; his body appeals to me on a very animal kind of level, and he has always exuded raw sexual confidence. Even though I can appreciate a beautiful male body whenever I see one, I really do only have eyes for my husband. As I've mentioned before, he's always been a great lover, but I haven't let myself have the sexual freedom of my mind to enjoy what I already have.

Valentine's Day, and Love and Sex in Marriage

2005-02-14T12:15:00.000-08:00

We used to go out and celebrate Valentine's Day, but the last couple of years we have decided to do something special on another day so we didn't have to get reservations far in advance and pay a fortune for a special Valentine's dinner. For Valentine's itself, I try to make a dinner that's cozy, and we stay in and keep it low key.

Yesterday, we celebrated by going a play/comedy about how men & women don't get each other. It was really funny, and my husband and I really enjoyed our time together out as adults with no baby in sight. Sex was more sweet than kinky last night.

As for our marriage, my husband has also been working on his own transformation, and I think that has contributed to me making mine. His transformation was to appreciate what he has for a family. Although I do have my annoying qualities, I really do a lot of things for him and am generally a considerate and caring person. He actually started to notice the little things, and he's a little more accepting of my flaws. He's taking on a greater role with our little one, partly to help me out more, and partly I think because she's actually getting old enough to play games with:)

I also felt a little less pressure for sex from him. I know he "needs" a lot of sex, so I've always felt a bit guilty about not wanting sex more. I think seeing the love come back to life in our marriage subconsciously made me want to make a transformation, too. Although I wasn't articulating this in my mind, when it dawned on me what would help me find sex more exciting, it was really transforming for me. I need to use my mind to think about sex. Why do guys want sex so often? Probably because they think about it all day long. I think many women get more involved in taking care of kids, jobs, and daily tasks that we are too tired/busy to think about sex. For the important things, you have to make time and a special effort to nurture them, and sex is included. I've always heard about people spicing up their sex lives to keep it going, but it didn't connect, mostly because my mind wasn't elastic enough to think about what kind of spice I needed. I like it spicy! I am now making sure that I spend time every single day thinking and fantasizing about sex, exercising my sexual brain. Now that my brain is more in shape for sex, I want it all the time, so when I see my husband I rub against his pants, let him know how sexy he is, and let him know I want to suck his cock and spread my pussy wide open for his pleasure. I'm wearing clothes that are sexier around the house - lycra tank tops that reveal my perky nipples and sarong skirts with thongs underneath, or sometimes no panties, to let him know I am available whenever he wants it. I am thriving in our new sex life, and, so is my husband. He told me he was happy before because of his own transformation, but now he's getting everything he wants:)

Life is good.

Tied Up

2005-02-11T15:29:00.000-08:00

The other night, my husband tried out a spreader bar on me. Just a few weeks ago, I had never even imagined such a thing! I saw one mentioned on a BDSM checklist, so I googled it to see what the heck it was. Once I saw a pic like that, I knew it would be a real turn on for me. So, I showed my husband, and he was interested, too, and we decided to just make on with a smoothly sanded 36" dowel and some screw eyes, and we can attach the come velcro/fabric cuffs we already have to the screw eyes. I mean, it's not like we're hosting dungeon parties and need the best looking equipment to show off!

So, a couple nights later after we were ready for bed, he told me to lay down on my back and spread wide for him. He pulled out the spreader bar and attached the cuffs to the bar. Soon my wrists and ankles were bound. I was in a very bent position, my legs bent back over my arms, my pussy facing up to him, very open, very much his. He then blindfolded me. We have this little flogger/tickler thing that came with our cuffs & blindfold, and he started to tickle me with it (and yes, I wouldn't mind some mild flogging, also!). He moved it up and down my arms and legs, and then he moved it all around my pussy. The feelings of arousal are so intense for me when I'm blindfolded. I could feel my wetness, and I was sure he could see my arousal. He played with me a bit more with the tickler, and with light touches here and there, on my legs, feet, inner thighs, moving by my clit every so quickly, and then finally he moved his head between my spread legs and pushed his tongue into my pussy, immediately sending deep shivers of pleasure throughout my body. He tongue fucked me until I was writhing and squirming, begging him to make me come. "You're mine," he reminded me. My legs were spread so far out my inner thigh muscles were starting to feel a little tired, but it was so wonderful to be opened up for him. He moved to my clit and gave it the attention that I had been craving, rewarding me for all the attention that I have been giving his wonderful cock lately. After he sent orgasmic waves of pleasure through my body several times, he plunged his cock deep into my pussy and found his relief, my still clenching pussy muscles holding him tight.

After he removed the spreader bar, my inner thigh muscles just twitched for a minute, they were feeling so tired from all the spreading and excitement. I think I need more practice with the 36" bar to increase my stamina!

My new love for kink isn't really so new..., and why I want to be a sex slave

2005-02-11T08:50:00.000-08:00

One person commented that I had a lot of no's in my checklist. Well, hey, I am pretty new at actually trying this! Some stuff sounds incredibly painful - I don't think I am a pain slut, other things sound dangerous, and some are just unsanitary. Then, there's a host of other things that I just don't know about yet. For instance, nipple clamps. I don't care for intense pain to my nipples. When my baby was teething, she would clamp down on my nipples with her gums, and it was a very unpleasant and painful experience. Fortunately for my baby, she soon learned that mommy didn't like that so much, so our nursing relationship continued, but I don't ever want to torture my nipples that way. I read over at Bliatz's blog about her having some nipple teasers, and it seems they were more stimulating rather than painful (and she's already mentioned that she isn't a pain slut), so maybe that would be something fun to try. I am intrigued now, anyway.

Even though I am not interested in a lot of pain, I still am interested in spanking, which I guess sounds contradictory. I want to try feeling a bit of sting, but not true, intense pain. I think a little bit of pain will be stimulating but I don't want torture. At this point, I have never experienced an erotic spanking; it's only my fantasy right now, so I will have to see how it feels in real life.

I've read some blogs where people comment that they are "wired" for spanking, and I may fit into this category. I know I fantasized about spanking machines when I was very young - maybe 5 or 6 years old. Later, sex was included in my spanking fantasies, and now in my fantasies spanking and some type of penetration always go together. I don't know if I would get off as much without something sexual included, and for me, my exploration into kink is really all about the sex.

I am not interested in living a life of domestic discipline. I think it's great that some people are able to find happiness and satisfaction in punishment, but I don't think I am cut out for that. Being obedient just for sex is a lot different than being obedient for everyday life. Even though I want to be spanked, for me it's not about punishment, or even release of tension from the stress of life, but more about being controlled, exposed, and commanded sexually. I want to be owned sexually. I always want to be in a position where I am bent over, my shaved pussy exposed. I fantasize about my husband fondling my pussy, pushing his fingers in my wet orifice to claim me, and mixing the fondling with spanking so that the pleasure and pain (milder pain) intermix. I just hope my husband will enjoy the feelings of control as much as I will enjoy submitting my body to him.

So, that leads to why I am really doing this. It's because I am a prude on the outside who has a kinky girl locked up on the inside. As a child, I was raised by my father in a very conservative religion. Oral sex was something "bad" people did and although there was no direct prohibition, it was discouraged (although this wasn't something discussed frequently). Homosexuality was disgusting. Masturbation encouraged immoral thoughts and was a sin, and such talk about masturbating was primarily directed at boys, because girls wouldn't even want to. ---- Can you believe that? Who doesn't masturbate? Or have a fantasy? Growing up with this as "right" automatically puts you into conflict with yourself as you reach puberty and hormones start to flow. With me, there was a constant battle of trying to repress my sexual fantasies, feelings, and curiosity, and it was mixed with guilt if I tried to masturbate a little.

Once I was an adult and on my own, I realized that I didn't believe in the ultra-conservative religion. I tried to "loosen up" a little, and I did have one relationship where it was more as sex friends - that is, no long term commitment was ever expected - and this was a very wild and daring thing for me to do. The sex was decent, although not mind numbing, and was very vanilla.

In addition to having this repressive religious background, I also have other issues. I am one of the millions of women out there who had "bad things" happen to them as a child. Mostly this caused a lot of self-esteem issues for me, and it's hard to feel sexy when you're not confident, but it also made me question the fantasies that I did have. The abuse started when I was about 5 or 6, so were my spanking fantasies somehow related? Later on, there were even fantasies where the abuser raped me. I felt like some total sicko. So, I just repressed, repressed, repressed.

But, now, there is the internet, and you can read a lot about almost any subject. I realized that spanking fantasies & rape fantasies aren't really that uncommon; even people with no "background" have them! Maybe some of my desires have been influenced by my experiences, but probably not all of them. I think maybe the spanking stuff might have been in my head before, and if anything, what happened to me before made some things more of a turn-off for me.

That's the case with the sucking my husband's wonderful cock! I had to force myself to give him fellatio before. Now, my new mind set has somehow given me a way to drop all the prudishness, to leave all the bad parts of my past behind, and to just let go. I enjoyed sex before with my husband, but now it's like the last bit of my inhibitions are gone when I let him take control. Being my husband's sex slave gives me freedom. I now feel free to explore my sexuality. Although I do still feel vulnerable (which is erotic for me), I'm not so uptight at first when my husband moves his hand to my inner thighs. I am so happy to open my pussy up for him. I am ready for more!

The Balance: guiding your Dom and still Submitting

2005-02-09T16:20:00.000-08:00

Temptation from http://intothedungeon.blogspot.com/ left me a wonderful comment

If you kind of lead the dance by submitting yourself to him, even if he doesn't ask you to, he will follow eventually and start acting the part.

I have intuitively been trying to do this a bit (at least sexually). I've been trying to anticipate his sexual needs. The minute his hand slides down my leg, I part my thighs for him (I rarely did that before). I am very touchy with him now, and sometimes I just hold his cock or lightly massage it so it's not all overtly sexual, more so he'll get the idea that I want to pleasure him. Last night when I went down on him, after a bit - and before he came - he said he guess he needed to reciprocate so I should spread for him. I could tell he was really enjoying the BJ, and I reminded him again that I just wanted to serve his pleasure. He did let me finish him, and I could tell he was very glad. After I pleasured him, I could feel that he felt like he had to return the favor, and I said it was up to him - I will spread for him, masturbate for him, or he can tell me to wait to come. My sexual experience is his to control.

I feel in a way I am making suggestions to him, and I don't want to be a sub who really doms the Dom. At this stage in the game though, I think this is where I need to be in order to let him realize that he has control. I feel it's a tricky balance: I want to guide him but still let him be in charge.

I am glad he's a nice guy, because if he wasn't I wouldn't want to be his sex slave. I do trust him, and I know that although he will eventually see that he can "use" me more, he loves me, and he likes to turn me on, so I know that this turn in our sex life will also entail a lot of pleasure for me.

Getting your Husband to be your Dominant Lover

2005-02-09T13:24:00.000-08:00

I read this today, and wondered why this is the common way these things comes up:

http://thisbighush.blogspot.com/2004/09/first-feed-her-mind.html

In most of the relationships described in various blogs - including my own -, the process of discovery is ... the (often female) submissive recognizes her needs, and tries to make the best dom possible out of her man.

Maybe it's that many of us women do marry "nice" guys. I know my husband likes some light bondage as he once bought some really uncomfortable handcuffs a few years ago (they were so bad that we later replaced them with some velcro/fabric cuffs). He's definitely into the shaved pussy thing to. For a while I guess I was a little weirded out about that - I am one of those people always on pedophile alert - but I finally realized that for him, and for most normal men, if that's what they prefer it's more for ease of viewing and eating out purposes. But, we've not really incorporated bondage into our sex life - it's been just a "special occasion" type of thing.

I sense that my husband would not want to bring up doing more with me as it is kind of taboo in our society, and he wouldn't expect me to want to go along with it. Only "bad" women will let you do those types of things. He, as a nice guy, would not ask it of me, a nice girl. And, probably in my prior mindset, he would have been right.

Even now, I have told my husband that he can pretty much do anything he wants, and ask me to do anything he wants, and I think he doesn't really get that I mean it yet. Yeah, he's said suck my cock a few times, but not nearly so much as I expected considering I know how much he loves it (and I didn't give him that much head before). He used to grab me more earlier in our marriage, but I think I "trained" him not to do that so much. I guess in a way it's confusing to him - while we were dating we had a lot of sex (didn't we all), after we got married it slowed down, then after the baby it was non-existent, and now I want it more heated than it's ever been.

So, part of the problem is that maybe men, at least the decent ones, are trained to expect certain things from nice girls and other things from trashy girls. And the other part of the problem is that maybe a lot of women are dealing with their own mixed messages. I guess I should save that for another post!

Pussy Shaving

2005-02-09T10:07:00.000-08:00

I saw a post on the Good Wife's Blog about a friend of hers being embarrassed to go the the gyno with a bare pussy. I totally related to the friend! I have always had a hard time even going to the gyno. I am not comfortable with it at all. In fact my discomfort is so severe I probably qualify as having a clinical phobia for it, but it's not like I am going to go and get "officially" diagnosed! I felt like a super-trimmed pussy (which was how I tried to keep it up for a while) was giving away more information about me, and making me more naked than I wanted to be during an already terrible procedure for me, so I actually would let it grow back before I would go. Now that I am keeping it very bare we will have to see. I honestly have no desire to go to a gyno ever again (hubby just got a V, so I don't have to go to get a BC prescription anymore, which is the most stupid thing anyway - another rant for another day), but if I do go I will have to be bare if I am to keep up my sex slave status.

And, speaking of shaving, it's going pretty well. I tried it once before for my husband and I didn't like it at all, but I don't think I was shaving often enough, and I wasn't persistent enough, and I was a little uncomfortable with the idea. I am having no trouble with bumps at all in the pussy area directly, but I have been getting some bumps in the triangle zone (bikini line). The only thing left is just a small patch of hair surrounded by a few bumps on either side. Although it seems like I am less bumpy over time, I saw some lotion with aspirin it targeted for razor bumps/ingrown hairs, and I think I will try it out to maybe speed the bumps away.

I want more

2005-02-08T11:50:00.000-08:00

Hubby and I are new at this. I wish we had no work, and time could be suspended so we could just enjoy every sexual thing for hours on end. As it is, I am pretty happy so far with how my husband is doing in his new role. I mean, he's still pretty much just a nice guy, but he's tied me up, fucked my ass, and even made a spreader bar for me, and he kept my legs spread open for him with that just two nights ago. I'll post about that later:)

But, I am really, really curious about the spanking. I mean, maybe I just fantasize about it and won't really like it. But maybe it will get me off really good. When I fantasize about it, I am always bent over deeply, my legs spread so that I'm in a position where my pussy is very exposed. He fondles my pussy lips for a minute with his fingers, and then surprises me with some firm stings to my butt cheeks. He uses his fingers (or a dildo) to penetrate my pussy while he spanks me some more. He tells me he owns me as my cheeks are really starting to feel the sting, and then he starts sliding his fingers in and out, and then deeper, and then more spanking, until I am begging for release. He rams his cock into my dripping wet pussy. Oh, I get so wet just thinking about it.

A few other women on the blogs I've been checking out are being made to wear love balls/smartballs/ben wa balls in their pussy during the day. I would love for him to make me do this. I would be so hot, so wet, so crazy all day long. I want him to tease me, to tell me when I am allowed to come, to keep me at the edge, to make me service him as he can come all he wants, and then finally show mercy on me.

The bad thing is I don't know how I would get any work done, but then maybe I would need a good spanking. I want more! I guess maybe it's a common thing that once you let go and realize you want to try D/s sex, that you want to try so much all at once. I really do have work to do, stuff where I need to be totally focused, stuff where I have to use my mind quite a bit. It's good that my work requires a lot mentally, because then it is rewarding, but it also means I need to turn my mind temporarily off sex. How do other people get work done when they are so stimulated?

Diamonds and Cocks

2005-02-07T17:07:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about my husband's cock today. He doesn't have the largest cock in the world (although he is within average size). I don't have extensive sexual experience; I only had a three other sex partners before my husband, but one of those was, well, endowed, so I can compare.

My husband is the best lover that I can imagine. He makes me come a lot. He likes to make sure that I orgasm at least once, but usually 2 or 3 or even more times when we have sex. I came sometimes with my other partners, but it wasn't always a sure thing when we had sex. I usually come with clitoral stimulation, and with the other partners it was the only way that I came and they really didn't understand that. Sex before my husband was pleasant but never really as exciting as my own solo stimulation. My husband changed that. Not only does my hubby make sure that my pussy and clit get a lot of attention, but sometimes my husband can even make me come vaginally. His cock moves in just the right spot in my pussy until I tremble. He knows exactly where to move to hit my "spot" and send waves of pleasure deep within me. It's a different feeling from a clitoral orgasm, and it's great.

Anyway, I was thinking that cocks are like diamonds. Size might be important for some; as the most obvious trait, it will probably always be valued by society, but if you really want sparkle and brilliance that only the finest of diamonds have, you need to look at more than size.

I am a lucky little sex slave.

Anal Musings

2005-01-29T13:25:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about my husband taking my ass. Afterwards we talked about it - what we thought of it - since it was the first time for both of us. He told me he could see why a lot of guys liked it so much as it was really tight in there the whole time, but he thinks pussy sex is more fun because he can feel my excitement more. Anyway, I am open to more exploration in this area. It certainly makes me feel "used" which is a bit of a turn on, so it does have possibilities. I wonder how interested my husband is in trying it again...

Taking it in the Ass for the First Time

2005-01-28T16:30:00.000-08:00

"I am going to fuck you in the ass tonight." I looked at him, a bit shocked.

I guess it shouldn't have been too surprising. A couple of years ago I bought a vibrator. I thought it might be fun to try out, more for a toy during our sex play rather than for lots of solo play for me. I also bought a small butt plug. I had gone to www.libida.com and read all about how you could stimulate a man's prostate by going up the ass a bit, so my intent was to get a toy for him to try, also, if he had any interest, and to let him know I was trying to be more open-minded. When I showed my husband the new toys, he mentioned to me that one day he would like to try anal sex with me. He said he'd never tried it before, and he was curious. At the time I didn't express much either way about it...

Well, now that I am his slave, he's supposed to use me. I even gave him a checklist saying that I am willing to try anal play/sex. I guess I just expected that he might try with a finger first, or that buttplug I bought that has never been used.

He had me spread open for him, and he played with my pussy for a minute with his fingers. He then told me that he wanted to watch me masturbate until I came. I played with my clit, moving my finger in a rhythm that made me wet, adding to the excitement I already felt by just having him watch me. I was so turned on, but I was also nervous about taking it in the ass.

After I came, he asked me if I was scared. "A little bit," I said. "I wasn't quite expecting this yet - but I trust you to be gentle with me."

He put on a condom and lubed up quite a bit, and he put more lube on my asshole. The lube felt cold, and I was very nervous. The most he's done with my ass before is one time he moved his fingers over my hole a bit, but he never even tried to push a finger in. I felt his cock at my anus; it felt like at first that he would not be able to go in easily. I concentrated on relaxing, reminding myself that I wanted him to use me and penetrate me as he wished. I needed to open up for him. Even though I was willing my body to open up, my virgin asshole was still a bit tight, but in just a minute he pushed in. He asked if I was OK, and I said yes. He then started to move in and out. It felt very different from anything that I've ever experienced before. It wasn't really that pleasurable, but it wasn't bad or painful, either. It was just really new, and surprising. He told me to touch myself again; he wanted me to come while he fucked my ass. I did as he told. It was a lot harder to orgasm this time because the new sensations were very distracting, but I did come. He came just a minute after me.

He asked me if I felt like I was his slave now. I definitely did.

A Shaved Pussy Gets Rewarded

2005-01-20T15:39:00.000-08:00

Well, my letter went over really well with my husband. I gave it to him last evening after our toddler went to sleep. I had on a sexy nightie, no panties, and a shaved pussy when I gave it to him. (I kept it trimmed before, but I knew he liked bare better.) He read it, exclaimed over some of the really out-there stuff (just as I did), and told me he was pretty much excited to do to me what I wanted to be done to me; he liked me spreading for him, servicing him, etc, so this all sounded great to him.

He then commanded me to lay down and spread my pussy for him, and he told me that I was his and he would do whatever he wanted to with me. Just his command made my pussy juices start to flow. He appreciated my shaved pussy so much that he rewarded me, his slave, first with attention to my clit, then he spread my pussy lips open and ate me out, over and over again, sending bursts of pleasure throughout my body. He moved his tongue back and forth from my clit to deep inside my pussy hole until I was shaking, and then he concentrated on my clit until he made me come. He slowed down his tongue movements for my come, and then as soon as my contractions had slowed down, he started quickening his licks again. I orgasmed again almost instantly.

He then told me to suck his cock. While he laid back, I moved between his legs and started licking him. I treated his cock gently at first, with light movements up and down his shaft. I licked under his balls, moving slowly up his cock. I then quickly swallowed him whole, making him gasp with pleasure. It's really strange - I have not really been that excited about sucking his cock before but with the new sex-slave role I was playing, I actually enjoyed it, and most importantly, was turned on by it! After giving him several minutes of pleasure, he told me to lay back and spread wide open for him; he wanted to come in my pussy. He felt so full inside me, and he told me to touch myself while he pumped in and out of me, and I came again as he watched me play with my clit while he fucked me. It didn't take long for me to come again, my pussy muscles squeezing against his cock, and then he came, too.

letter to hubby with checklist

2005-01-18T11:57:00.000-08:00

Dear husband,

I am writing this to you because, well, honestly, I think I am a bit abashed to say all this out loud. So, here goes... I want to enhance our sex life a bit, and I think this will do it for me: I want to be dominated by you sexually and I want to be your sex slave.

Here is a site about the basics of what you can get out of my interests: Domination for Nice Guys:http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdniceguy.html

Well, since you are more comfortable with sexuality in general than I am, you may be much more comfortable with the bondage/sex slave stuff than I am, but I thought it was an interesting page. It also has links at the top to some *scenarios*, some of which are really hot to me. Some are not as exciting, maybe because I am not entirely comfortable with the idea & it seems painful - maybe I am missing out (for ex nipple-clamping). However, I don't think there was anything there that I wouldn't be willing to at least try.

I want to try to completely give you all my trust... I've not been too enthralled with porn-viewing before, but if you want to incorporate it more into our sex life, I am willing. In the past I've felt very secondary to the porno ladies when we're watching one, so maybe you would consider this: when you are watching maybe you could let me know that you want my pussy/breasts/etc to get the same treatment, or just make me a part of it so I don't feel like I should not even be around. Also, as you know I don't get that much out of the girl-girl action. If there happens to be a girl-girl scene (which of course there will), maybe you could talk to me about specifically what makes it so sexy for you or just let me know how hot you are for sex. Maybe that would help me be more open about it.

Also, in the past I have not been too excited when you grabbed me while I was cooking, etc. If I'm going to pleasure you in all ways sexual, then you now have express permission to grab/finger whatever you want, within reason of course because our toddler perhaps being in the room! If something is about to burn, I can ask for permission to turn off the stove.

I saw this checklist (http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/checklst.html) and I thought I would fill it out for you. There are a lot of things I am willing to try with you (and some things that I am a little shy to even say out loud that I am interested in). If you see willingness here, no reason to worry about asking (i.e. OK if it's a surprise/I'm blindfolded/etc, or you can "warn" me if you want). If you don't see willingness here and it's something you are very interested in, we could always talk about it. Maybe I just don't realize what it is or I cant even imagine how much I will like them.

KEY:
*NO means you will NOT do that item under any circumstances (a hard limit).
*0 (zero) indicates you have utterly no desire to do that activity and don't like doing it (in fact, may loath it) and would ordinarily object to doing it, but you would be willing to do it to please the Dominant if it they really wanted it. (sometimes called a "soft limit")
*1 means you don't want to do or like to do this activity, but wouldn't object if it was asked of you.
*2 means you are willing to do this activity, but it has no special appeal for you.
*3 means you usually like doing this activity, at least on an irregular/occasional basis.
*4 means you like doing this activity, and would like to experience it on a regular basis.
*5 means the activity is a wild turn-on for you, and you would like it as often as possible.

Abrasion: maybe if it were gentle, otherwise no (0-2)
Age play : no (0)
Anal sex: willing to try, maybe work up to this?
Anal plugs (small): willing to try
Anal plugs (large): willing to try
Anal plug (public, under clothes): willing to try
Animal roles: no
Arm & leg sleeves (armbinders): willing to try
Asphyxiation: no
Auctioned for charity: only to you (role play?)
Bathroom use control: no
Beastiality: no
Beating (soft): beating sounds too harsh, but if it weren't...
Beating (hard): no
Blindfolds: 5
Being serviced (sexual): 5
Being bitten: nibbled=5, really bitten=0 or no
Breast/chest bondage: 0
Breath control: no
Branding: no
Boot worship: 0
Bondage (light): 5
Bondage (heavy): 4
Bondage (multi-day): no, we have a kid & work to do
Bondage (public, under clothing) : why not?
Breast whipping: not sure
Brown showers (scat): OMG no
Cages (locked inside of): no
Caning: sounds harsh
Catheterization: no way
Cells/Closets (locked inside of): no
Chastity belts: 0
Chaueffering: ? 0
Choking: 0
Clothespins: I could try, seems like they would hurt
Cock worship: I will worship yours 5
Collars (worn in private): 2 if this gets you off, sure
Collars (worn in public): no
Competitions (with other Subs): no
Corsets (wearing) : 2 sure
Cuffs (leather): 2 sure
Cuffs (metal): 0
Cutting: no
Dilation: 0
Double penetration: same as all anal stuff
Electricity: ???
Enemas: no
Enforced chastity: 1
Examinations (physical) : 3 examine me all you want!
Exercise (forced/required): 3 you could make me do kegels:)
Exhibitionism (friends): no
Exhibitionism (strangers): no
Eye contact restrictions: 0
Face slapping: no
Fantasy abandonment: 0
Fantasy rape: 3
Fantasy gang-rape: no, never would want this acted out
Fisting (anal): no, sounds scary
Fisting (vaginal): willing to try with you
Following orders: 5 as in sexual orders
Foot worship: 0
Forced dressing: 0
Forced homosexuality: no
Forced masturbation: 5
Forced nudity (private): 5
Forced nudity (around others): no
Forced servitude: only sexual servitude 5
Full head hoods: 0
Gags (cloth) : 0 maybe, could get scary or hurt
Gags (rubber): 0
Gags (tape): 0
Gates of Hell (male): NA
Genital sex: 5
Given away to another Dom (temp): no
Given away to another Dom (perm): no
Golden showers: no, gross
Hairbrush spankings: as long as not with bristled end 2
Hair pulling: 2 only in certain situations, not too harsh
Hand jobs (giving): 5 I will please you as much as you want
Hand jobs (receiving): 5 touch me all you want
Harems (serving w/other subs): no
Harnessing (leather): 2
Harnessing (rope): 2
Having food chosen for you: no
Having clothing chosen for you: sure
Head (giving fellatio): 5 I will please you as much as you want
Head (receiving fellatio): not applicable
High heel worship: no
Homage with toungue (non-sexual): 1
Hot oils (on genitals): 1
Hot waxing: 1
Housework (doing) : no
Human puppy dog: no
Humiliation (private): 0
Humiliation (public): no
Hypnotism: 0
Ice cubes: 3 sure
Infantalism: no
Initiation rites: 2
Injections: no
Intricate (Japanese) rope bondage: maybe, sounds too time comsuming
Interrogations: sure
Kidnapping: 2-3 you can take me
Kneeling: 2
Leather clothing: I want to wear what turns you on
Leather restraints: restraints are fine in general
Lectures for misbehavior: 0
Licking (non-sexual): 0, I like sexual licking
Manacles & Irons: no
Manacures (giving): 1
Massage (giving): 5
Massage (receiving): 5
Medical scenes: 3 you can examine me
Modeling for erotic photos: 5
Mouth bits: no
Mummification: no
Nipple clamps: maybe, it seems like it would hurt
Nipple weights: no
Oral/anal play (rimming) : willing to try
Over-the-knee spanking: 5, yes, mixed with penetration
Orgasm denial: as teasing
Orgasm control: 2-3
Outdoor scenes/sex: 3 within reason
Phone sex (serving Dom): sure
Phone sex (serving Dom's friends): no
Piercing (temporary, play-pierce): maybe
Piercing (permanant): no
Prison scenes: 2
Pony slave: no
Public exposure: no
Pussy/cock whipping: willing to try
Pussy worship: no, I am too hetero
Riding crops: 0
Riding the "horse" (crotch tort.): stuff to spead me open, ok, but nothing too painful
Rituals: sure, maybe you have some fav position
Religious scenes: 0
Restrictive rules on behavior: on sex behavior
Rubber/latex clothing: I want to wear what turns you on
Rope body harness: I want to wear what turns you on
Saran wrapping: 2
Scratching - getting: 2 gentle
Scratching - giving: 2 gentle
Sensory deprivation: 5 (visual, sound)
Serving: as your sex slave
Serving as art: no
Serving as ashtray: no
Serving as furniture: no
Serving as a maid: 3 in sex role-play
Serving as toilet: no
Serving as waitress/waiter: 3 in sex role-play
Serving orally (sexual): 5
Serving other doms (supervised) : no
Serving other doms (unsupervised): no
Sexual deprivation (short term) : as a teasing thing, sure
Sexual deprivation (long term): no
Shaving (body hair): willing
Shaving (head hair): no
Sleep deprivation: no, that's what having a new baby is for
Sleepsacks: 0
Slutty clothing (private): 5
Slutty clothing (public): 0
Spanking: 5, I think, because I haven't tried it, but if mixed with penetration sounds good
Spandex clothing: 2
Speech restrictions (when, what): 0
Speculums (Anal): 0
Speculums (vaginal): 3 if you want to see I will spread
Standing in corner: no
Stocks: no
Spreader bars: 5, I looked this up and it appeals to me
Standing in corner: no
Stocks: no
Straight jackets: no
Strap-on-dildos (sucking on) : no
Strap-on-dildos (penetrated by) : 2
Strap-on-dildos (wearing) : don't see need for it unless I dom you!
Strapping (full body beating) : no
Suspension (upright): 1
Suspension (inverted): 0
Suspension (horizontal) : 1
Swallowing semen: 5 I will please you
Swallowing urine: no way
Swapping (with one other couple): no
Swinging (multiple couples): no
Tattooing: no, temp ok
Teasing: 5
Tickling: willing to try, you know I am sensitive about this
Triple penetration: not sure how this would work...
Uniforms: 3 sure
Vaginal dildo: 5
Verbal humiliation: 3-4 slave/pussy/slut ok on that level
Vibrator on genitals: 5
Voyeurism (watching others): 0
Voyeurism (your Dom w/others): no
Video (watching others): we can watch porn if you want
Video (recordings of you): 5
Water torture: ???
Wearing symbolic jewelery: 1
Whipping: maybe, lets start out with a light spank
Wooden paddles: maybe
Wrestling : 5 sure! But you will win

Bottom line - if you are interested I might try something. You might have to share more of your fantasy with me & make it appealing to me. Maybe one day you can have a 3-way but I can't imagine that, so don't get your hopes up too much!

As for what turns me on, I desire to be required to service you, and open myself for your every fantasy. What gets me off is being totally vulnerable, open, and exposed to you. Being commanded to spread for you, and being 100% under your sexual control turns me on. Positions that make my pussy/bottom open to you are a turn on (spread wide,bent over spread, etc). I also crave being penetrated by you (finger,cock, dildo), and I want to feel you use me, and even randomly claim/penetrate me or feel me up.

This will probably change our relationship some because I will open more of me up to you - literally and emotionally.

With love,
your wife

My awakening

2005-01-17T14:17:00.000-08:00

Well, there's a lot of these types of blogs out there now. But, it's probably a good thing - everyone getting out some of the repression that our society seems to promote.

I am married, live in SoCal, and have a small child. My husband and I have had a decent, but not "all that" type of sex life. He has wanted sex a lot, and even though I enjoy sex a lot - and my husband is a skilled lover - I just haven't been that into it. I get to stuck in the everyday humdrum of life & lose interest.

After having a kid, it was even worse. I love my little girl, but she gave me quite a labor - no horror stories here, but I will just say it was hell. I had to deal with a pretty painful recovery for a long time, and on top of that, she also was not a sleeper, so I really went into a downward spiral. No sleep, plus pain, plus the normal crash of hormones... Well, anyway, I didn't go psycho or anything, but was a high-functioning depressed person, which really means I was just barely getting along. How can you have any interest in sex? To top that off my husband was "grabby" when mostly I was just tired & needed comfort. Anyway, a long time passed with very little interest in sex.

Until recently. I still don't get as much sleep as I need, but I think I've learned to adapt. My little one only wakes up at night usually once now (as opposed to 5++ times a night), so my sleep is a lot less interrupted. Anyway, my mood hasn't been as down; I'm pretty much back to my regular self. And, I started to think about Valentine's Day coming up, and that I needed to do something sexy for my husband - because I know he needs some, poor desperate guy. So, off to the internet. One thing leads to another, and before I know it I read some sex blogs (from the BoB awards). I find myself getting really turned on at the idea of certain toys, and certain things I would just love my husband to do to me. Rather than just squashing these feelings - I decide to indulge.

Anyway - what I think I have finally figured out - is that for me to want sex as often as my husband, I need to keep my biggest sexual organ turned on - and I mean my brain. I need to indulge in more fantasy, stop repressing things that may have a little bit of societal taboo - just let go. I figure my husband will be interested in the most part because it means he would get laid all the time. Pretty much any guy's wish, right? I just hope that it doesn't seem to weird to him.

Anyway, I want to start having a sexual relationship with my husband based upon my total submission of my body to him. I want to be his sex slave. I want him to use my body as he wishes. I will suck his cock at his command, and I will shave my pussy for him. I will eagerly spread myself open for his pleasure. Thinking about letting him have control over me sexually is the biggest turn on for me. I can't believe it has taken me this long to figure this out, but letting myself be under his control sexually I think will make me more open, less inhibited, and just plain more sexy.

Now, I am not interested in the submission in other areas of life. I feel that in our marriage we're equals, and for the most part we are pretty good at compromise when it comes to financial decisions, etc. But for sex, I think I need to hand over control.