Finding my sexual self... with my husband

I love my husband. I am so glad that I am married to someone that I want to share my sexual exploration with. Sometimes I feel a bit unsure of how to introduce certain kinks into our sex life, but I want to be kinky with him. I love him, and opening up to him has made me feel even closer.

Before the sexual light-bulb went off in my head, I had recently noticed a renewed sense of commitment from my husband. We have had some tough times, and about a year after our daughter was born, I think we reached our lowest point. I wasn't sure of him anymore. Sometime after that, I think he went through his own stage of personal growth. He certainly started showing me more affection (sometimes even without sexual overtones) and appreciation. To me, it showed that he really felt the good things about us together outnumbered the bad things, and we could work on refining our differences.

After being together for 9 years now, I trust him. He has managed to stick it out with me over time. This really means a lot to me. I guess it has taken this long for me to really start letting my walls down. I think I would have a difficult time exploring my kinks without the trust I have with him.

My husband really has qualities that make him very sexy to me. First, there is a quality of maleness - I don't know how to describe it, but some men have it and some don't. Maybe it's what my hidden submissive side was attracted to, but he just gives off this aura of sex; he's a man who knows what he wants and knows how to get it, yet he's not arrogant. He never had a problem getting dates, so I don't think I was the only woman who sensed this about him.

Of course, raw sex appeal alone wouldn't be enough. He is also intelligent, sweet, caring, considerate, sexually confident, and open-minded. He has a really great body right now - almost too good, in fact. There used to be some teeny tiny love handles (and they were cute, really), but he's going to run a marathon soon, so with his training there is nothing left. Zip. It makes me feel like I need to lose that last stubborn 5 pounds so I can look as sexy, although I must throw in here that I don't want to lose it for him, but for me. The exercise involved (I would rather work out than give up food!) will also help my sexual stamina ;p

I paint this rosy picture of our marriage, but we do still have our ups and downs. Most of our current disagreements are about deciding the best way to handle situations that come up with our 2-year old. We really have to focus on the fact that we ultimately have the same goal in mind or else we quickly deteriorate into an argument. We both have stressful days and pick at each other sometimes. We're normal, basically. My husband really makes an effort to let me know despite our disagreements, he loves me. I really need this reaffirmation. He also knows that I love him deeply.

In the past, we've definitely had our troubles sexually. At one point he felt I had no libido. I felt he wanted it too much. He wanted it daily. I didn't want him all over me nearly so often, even if it did feel good. He would find pleasure instead at his computer. Occasionally, I would walk in and catch him masturbating to porn. I called him a sex addict because he was hiding his porn from me and it was affecting our marriage. I was taught that porn was a dangerous threat to marriage, and even though I was no longer religious, I still held this view. Seeing him there made me believe it. He was giving in to his licentious desires.

In one instance, his quest for porn led to an increased lack of sexual confidence on my part. One time when I walked in on him, I could tell he had found his porn for the night by searching for big boobs. Not only was I bothered by his masturbating to porn, but I was also very hurt by the boob thing. I do not have big boobs. I am a tad bigger now than I used to be; I'm a very full 34B whereas I used to wear a smaller 34B, but either way, I do not have giant breasts. He says he likes all breasts - that was just a search he typed in, but it still hurt.

So, it has not always been rosy, and we will still have our bad days. At least we know that from a libido standpoint, we match up just fine. If anything, I want it more than he does, although I have to give him credit for being able to perform after running 20 miles!

The main sexual hurdle left is with me. I have to be willing to very specifically tell him what I want. Sometimes I still feel a bit nervous because I don't know how much he really will enjoy what I want. I know he certainly would be willing to try something to please me, but I want him to get off, too.

He does enjoy being in charge, so maybe everything I want is just waiting inside him. Without telling him what I want, I do see a bit more aggressiveness on his part. He had me suck his cock while he was wet with my own arousal a couple of weeks ago, and this is now part of our repertoire. That was new, and it was something he initiated. The other evening during a quicker round of sex, he nibbled at my nipples very - diligently - while I was riding him. Afterwards he asked if he had been too rough... I had loved it; it was incredibly stimulating.

Anyway, I just need to tell him about my fascination with floggers:) I am the one with licentious desires now!